Thoughts New Englanders have when they move to the Midwest
It will always be soda, not ‘pop’
I’m from Boston, the epicenter of New England (or at least that’s what we chant each morning after finishing the Pledge of Allegiance). Two years ago I said goodbye to Dunkin’ Donuts and Legal Seafoods as I set off for Ann Arbor, Michigan. Somewhere in the middle of Ohio I saw a man cleaning a gun at a rest stop. I mean, now I know that’s Ohio, but at the time I feared everything I’d been told about the Midwest was true…and by everything I was told about the Midwest, I mean the many confused looks, non-committal grunts, and “oh, everyone’s wicked nice.” For any New Englander who’s made the journey, here are the thoughts that entertain us.
1. First day of class! I’m just going to walk to my 8:30am. This is a reasonable time of day…I’m sure the sun will rise soon…
2. OK, all the buildings are referred to in some sort of code. What on earth is the MLB. It’s too early to read, let alone decipher this nonsense.
3. It’s kind of like that Tinie Tempah song, “Miami to Ibiza”.
4. Oh wait, this person’s waving at me…why are you waving and smiling? Do I know you? Nope, I definitely do not. It’s 8am, go back to bed, cheerful person.
How New Englanders affectionately brand each other
5. I probably should have looked at where Michigan was on a map before I came here
6. …..”Meijer”? (ME-jer)? (MAJOR)? ..oh, like Mike Myers! Shrek was such a good movie.
7. Hm. Where are the Dunkin’ Donuts?
8. What is that!? What do you mean this is a squirrel? Why is it orange?!
9. These are not squirrels. These are confused cats.
Figure 1.1: A self-aware, ginger cat
10. Lake Effect is like a perpetual fairytale. They call this snow? That’s cute.
11. No wait, this is “wind”?! This is the breath of a million White Walkers. I’m sorry, I take back what I said about the snow!
12. My boss just asked me to clean the ‘pop machine’…what/where is this evil contraption? Oh! The soda fountain!
13. “I’m from Grand Rapids!” Please just show me where on your hand.
New Englanders don’t actually do hand geography
14. Is it just me or did everyone here go to high school together?
15. Oh, I love Noodles and Company! Wait, why is everyone laughing? What do you mean it’s ‘Noodles and Co?’ That’s not what the sign says!
16. Bivouac. Bee..vo..guac? I give up.
17. Aww, Midwestern accents are kind of like Boston accents. Short ‘a’s abound!
18. Okay, I can def pronounce this one: Washtenaw! Oh you don’t say the ‘t’? There are silent ‘t’s in this place?
19. Ha! Ypsilanti = ‘Appa Yip Yip’
20. Okay, seriously? You don’t pronounce the ‘y’?!
21. WHY IS NOTHING PRONOUNCEABLE IN THIS PLACE.
22. I come from a state that has the most letters, this should be easy!!! (Next to Rhode Island which is technically Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, but who cares about RI?)
23. You know what’s easy to pronounce?! D-U-N-K-S.
Nectar of the gods
24. Oh thank God, Espresso Royale has Nantucket Nectar. I don’t even drink Nantucket Nectar at home…but now I must be a loyalist because those little bottle cap facts make me too nostalgic.
25. …Wait, what are Michigan’s sports teams again?…What are any state’s sports teams outside of Massachusetts and New York…?
26. What do you mean we’re north of Canada?
27. Okay, everyone recycles here. If you don’t recycle you die.
28. Ooh, they celebrate Fat Tuesday here! That’s neat. And they eat…I’m sorry…a poonchkey? And it’s spelled ‘paczki’. Because that makes sense.
29. …Fish of the lake, not as good as fish of the sea.
30. *When you run into another East Coaster and bond vaguely over, like, the ocean(?)*
Or the hAH-bah, as we call it
31. Wow. Everything here is so CHEAP. If I were home, I’d have so much more money to spend on-
32. DUNKS WHERE ARE YOU?!
Ultimately, even as Ann Arbor becomes our hoMe, we never forget the feeling of being stuck in rush hour on I-95.