Umich is the best university in Michigan, the US, and probably the world
Because our squirrels are better than yours
So I’m from Ohio and everyone’s always like “Why do you go to Michigan? What’s wrong with you?? Why don’t you go to THE Ohio State University???” Well haters, Umich is the best university in the entire world. Here, let me break it down for you.
Food
Just look at how happy us students are with our food. Ann Arbor food changes lives, it changes Instas, it changes the world. From debating whether you’re gonna brunch at Angelo’s or Afternoon Delight to where the fuck you’re going to get your late night drunchies from (but like obvi Pizza House 9/10 times), the food difference is the Michigan difference. Do you really think MSU has feta bread? No. Of course they don’t.
Spirit
Just look at us. Look at that maize, look at that blue. Have you ever seen something so beautiful in your entire life? HAH, of course you haven’t! Wolverines have the most school spirit in the world — this is a statistical fact. Do you really think Rutgers kids get up at 7am on a Saturday morning, throw on their best face tats and rage the day away in the name of football? Naw, they don’t, because they don’t have a beautiful stadium like this to waltz up to:
Just look at them ~celestial~ clouds
Pride
People love this school so damn much that the alumni network is on fleek. People fall in love with Umich, they fall in love with recent grads and then they ~hire~ them. It’s like an endless cycle of Michigan love. In the words of Aziz Ansari, “That’s amazing, that’s amazing, that’s amazing!!!”
An anatomically accurate image of your heart after graduating from UM
Fame
We produce the best and the brightest. Lucy Liu? Michael Phelps?? Tom Brady??? MADONNA???? Yeah, they all went here because they know what the Michigan difference is all about. Madonna’s daughter even goes here now because she knows this is the place to be. Also, we like, constantly make headlines. MSU guy? Yeah, he goes here. Does MSU have a student whose face is the most meme-able face in the world? I didn’t think so.
Madonna’s daughter being normal at Urban Outfitters juxtaposed with the v strong Tinder game in AA
Squirrels
Our squirrels are the fattest, nicest squirrels in the world. Yeah, it may be frightening to see squirrels stand in front of you on the sidewalk begging for your food, but would they do that if we were intimidating af? Naw, they wouldn’t. Clearly, if the squirrels love us so much we must be amazing.
Brains
Multitasking was invented here at the University of Michigan. How many libraries in the world do you think house hardworking hungover students? The answer: only three libraries, and they are all at Umich. Because in the wise words of Wiz Khalifa, we “work hard, play hard” here at this fine institution. Peep our ranking as fourth best Public University in the nation (in actuality we’re number one — UCLA, Berkley and UVA are only ranked higher because #WarmWeatherBias).
Vodka cancelled out by coffee, Advil and Jesus
Honestly, everything
This school was literally created by God (Kanye) himself. It’s perfect, we’re perfect, the weather may not be perfect but that’s more than okay. Who needs to be warm when you go to the best damn school in the world?