This is what it’s really like to live in an all-girls dorm
Chill with the lesbian jokes
Put yourself in my shoes: You’re a girl at a party. A guy approaches you and starts asking about you (not because he actually wants to get to know you, but because he’s so kindly chosen you to be the girl he takes home that night). A common question that comes up during this drunken small talk, naturally, is “Where do you live?” Your response? “In Betsy Barbour/Helen Newberry.” At this point, the guy will probably say, “That’s the all-girls’ dorm, right?” What typically follows is an array of genuinely idiotic questions that need to be addressed once and for all, for the sake of every girl who lives in Umich’s all-girls dorms.
‘So does that mean boys aren’t allowed inside?’
What I’m thinking: You, sir, are an idiot.
What I’d like to say: Yes!!!! You are so right. If you’re a male attempting to enter Barbour or Newberry, you will be sprayed in the eyes with pepper spray. Actually, you are the first male I have spoken to since I came to college. What an honor to be in the presence of a living, breathing male. Do you mind if I take a picture with you? My mom will NEVER believe that I saw a boy!
What I actually say: No. That would be the Martha Cook dormitory.
‘Oh, you guys have tea-time right?’
What I’m thinking: I literally hate you.
What I’d like to say: Yep every morning. And afternoon. And night. We’re ordered to don a sundress on and socialize with our peers while sipping tea with our pinkies up and daintily eating one macaron. If we don’t, then we get penalized. Punishments usually include making crochet flowers and playing cricket with your RA.
What I actually say: Nope. Once again, that’s Martha Cook.
‘Ahh, the lesbian dorm haha!’
What I’m thinking: You can’t seriously be making this joke right now.
What I’d like to say: Yeah, on the rooming applications there was actually a box that said: “Check if you’d like to have sex with other girls and we will place you in an all-girls dormitory!”
What I actually say: Do you live in an all-boys dorm? AND you guys share a community bathroom?! Wow, you all must be gay. Interesting.
‘Aren’t those dorms like sororities? But more cult-like?’
What I’m thinking: How did you get accepted to this school?
What I’d like to say: Yes actually, Netflix based their original series “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” off of our dorms. If you’d like to join our cult the rush process starts in 2 weeks.
What I actually say: Are you aware of the definition of a cult? Do you fully understand the definition of a cult?
Two girls who are definitely in a cult
‘Wait, why are you out right now? Don’t you guys have a curfew?’
What I’m thinking: You really suck at wheeling females.
What I’d like to say: Oh shoot, you’re right. It’s past 8pm, I’m so late for nightly check-in. My headmaster is going to be so disappointed in me.
What I actually say: Yeah. I’m going to leave now.
The moral of the story? Betsy Barbour/Helen Newberry and Martha Cook are two totally different dorms, and living in an all-girls dorm does not make you a lesbian. Now please quit with the obnoxious questions.