The Burn Book: ‘Mean Girls’ characters as UM majors

You might think the University of Michigan has nothing to do with the iconic 2004 film Mean Girls, but you could be wrong. Like most pop culture gems, the universal appeal of Mean Girls makes it relatable to nearly everything, even life here at UM, hundreds of miles from the fictional North Shore High.

So what exactly does Mean Girls have to do with us? More often than not, students on campus tend to voice their opinions on each major at UM based on stereotypes that may or may not be based in reality. Just like the proverbial Burn Book, UM students do their fair share of shit-talking other majors. If we were to embrace these stereotypes rather than rejecting them, here’s what the University of Michigan’s very own Burn Book would look like.

Regina George — The Ross School of Business

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by a Rosshole. Regina is the queen bee of North Shore, and has the ego to match. Just like her, Ross students know they’re top-tier. They wake up every morning with a smile on their face because they know after they graduate, they’ll be well on their way to the CEO life. But even though they might think they run Umich, Ross students’ cockiness gets them their fair share of side-eye from us ‘lesser’ students. It’s only a matter of time before some home-schooled jungle freaks rise from the ashes to dethrone them.

Karen Smith — Language majors

Karen’s strength is definitely not her intelligence, but her magical weather-predicting boobs are one seriously cool talent. Just like language majors have an amazing knack for their respective tongues, Karen, too, is fluent in her own special language. At least when it’s already raining, that is.

Gretchen Wieners — History majors

I hate to burst your bubble, but History majors notoriously go on to make zero money. Great, you can tell me all about how Napoleon was attacked by rabbits at one point in his life and how Albert Einstein could have potentially been the president of Israel, but what well-paying job could you possibly get only knowing such things? Unless you’re the heir to the Toaster Strudel fortune, you’re probably going to end up broke. And none for History majors, bye.

Cady Heron — Economics majors

Econ majors, tragically, have the reputation of being Ross rejectees. Economics is the closest major to a business degree, but it’s not quite the same thing. Just like Cady was almost a full-on Plastic, but not quite. And she almost spelled her name normally, but not quite. Sure, Econ majors might be a little salty, but everyone probably likes them at least a little bit more than Ross students. You might even win Spring Fling Queen.

Kevin Gnapoor — Engineering majors

Kevin Gnapoor is low-key funny and likable, but he is also a little nerdy and weird, just like the engineers of UM. But the real question is: Can any of you engineering students spit mad fire like Kevin G? Probably not.

Aaron Samuels — Pre-med students

A lost, confused boy who comes off as a big shot but is really just your average dude: Pre-meds. When asked what their major is, they reply with “I’m a pre-med.” The funny thing is, pre-med is not a major. Pre-med is a track. They only say pre-med to come across as a big shot, soon-to-be doctor. Really, they’re just a biology major struggling their way through BIO101, just like Aaron struggles through Calculus while pretending he’s an expert on the subject.

Damian Leigh — Drama majors

Overdramatic? Check. Likes to sing? Check. Likes to dress up? Check. Unbelievably funny? Check.

Coach Carr — Nursing students

Just like Coach Carr loves teaching his students about the dangers of ‘klamydia’, nursing students love to show off how much they know about all things health and medicine. In reality, they’re still learning how to insert an IV correctly.

Janis Ian — Art majors

Janis is deep, edgy, risky, goth, and won a prize for a painting. Literally the spitting image of a UM art major.

The Crying Girl With A Lot of Feelings — All of us

The struggle is real.