How to ‘break up’ with a friend in college

When you’re a brand new, starry-eyed freshman, you’re going to be enamored with almost everyone you meet, simply because you’re so excited to be part of the Umich student body. But in post-Welcome Week reality, you have over 26,000 undergraduates to choose from, and you don’t have to be friends with everyone. Maybe you no longer enjoy the company of the friends you met early on in your first semester, or maybe you’re a senior and have realized your relationship with someone in your friend group just isn’t working.

If the feeling is mutual, the friendship will fade out on its own. You may try to give hints, like declining invitations to meet up, and the person may get it. But occasionally they don’t. From this point, you can either ghost them, or choose a slightly more confrontational — but ultimately more effective — method: the friendship breakup.

Step 1: Identify the issue

Figure out what about the person you don’t like. Is it an issue that can be addressed? If you talk to them about it, is it something that can be changed? Maybe you’re peeved because they keep making you pay for their late-night cheesy bread — that’s something that you can discuss and possibly resolve sans-breakup. But if it’s an aspect of their personality you don’t like (like their uncontrollable need to step on the M whenever they pass it), it might be best to call it quits. Remember, you can’t really ask someone to change who they are fundamentally.

Step 2: Think about what you want

Do you never want to see them one-on-one again? Do you just want to hang out with them less? Can you tailgate together but not study together? Have a specific goal in mind, so you can tell your friend what type of relationship, if any, you want in the future.

Step 3: Prepare for the casualties

If you share the same friend group, you may want to think about the effect breaking up with your friend could have on the ~vibe~ of the whole group. Your desire not to see this one certain friend could, unfortunately, result in you isolating yourself from some of your other friends. When it comes to the breakup itself, be prepared for his or her reaction. What will you do if your friend starts crying? Screaming? Are you prepared to hide in the stacks forever? Can you resist swiping right for new friends? Try your best to plan ahead for the inevitable fallout.

Step 4: Practice and commit

Practice a couple times what you are going to say to your soon-to-be-ex-friend. You may feel your palms getting sweaty and your heart rate rising. You may feel the urge to hide in your room and watch Netflix. Resist the temptation.

Step 5: Do it face-to-face

Don’t break up with them over text. If you care enough about them to want to formally break up with them, they deserve to hear it directly from you. Be as honest and kind as possible, and if they did something that especially hurt you, talk about it. Try not to put too much blame directly on them. Instead, focus on ‘I’ statements and tell them how you feel. Hopefully your now ex-friend doesn’t cry too much and you can part ways cordially.

Step 6: Follow through

If you told your ex-friend you never want to see them again, don’t text them when you are drunk, lonely, or bored. Do what you say you will do, because it’s not fair to play with your ex-friend’s feelings.

Step 7: Take care of yourself

Go to Rick’s or Skeeps with your friends or eat a tub of ice cream. Breaking up is hard, even if you’re the one doing it, so make sure you treat yourself and don’t feel guilty about doing what was right for you. You may see your ex-friend at a frat party or during a tailgate. Hopefully you can be nice to each other without things getting too awkward. If that’s not the case, don’t worry: You can always move to North Campus.