An ode to Hamm’s, king of terrible beers
Hamm’s will always have a place in our hearts
It’s Saturday night, and our house is prepping to throw a party in honor of a long weekend. What beer do we turn to? None other than Hamm’s: a gift from the gods. Maybe from one of the lazier, less popular gods — but a god nonetheless.
Why is it that all over campus, kitchen floors are littered with those gold-and-blue cans? Is it really just because Hamm’s colors are so similar to our own maize and blue? Are we as obsessed with ourselves as everyone thinks? Maybe, but there are other factors that make Hamm’s number one in our hearts.
The price of Hamm’s can’t be beat. When heading to the booze aisle, a smart shopper knows that the less money you spend on alcohol, the more money you have for pizza afterwards, or maybe your savings can even go into a fund for a better speaker system. We look to our trusty cases of Hamm’s to guide us in our pursuit of garlic crust and finally understanding the lyrics to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.”
But don’t get me wrong — it’s not just the price that makes this iconic beer a champion. It’s also versatile and pairs nicely with just about any party plan.
Do you want to try to shotgun a beer for the first time? You better believe this watery liquid gold will help you chug with ease and impress your soon-to-be new friends. Do you want to stay hydrated while you head towards hammered? Hamm’s has got your back once again. It even works as a chaser for the shots you may want to take later in the night once you’ve built up a little courage. But if that doesn’t work out, don’t worry — you can rely on a can of Hamm’s to nurse your wounded (read: hungover) spirit back to health.
I know what usually comes next: the argument for “better beer.” Some even have the audacity to use the word “quality.” But the truth is if you’re the guy (or girl) in the corner droning on and on about how much better your IPA is, you’re a total buzzkill. Hamm’s does everything it can to cut that one-sided rant off before it begins. And for that act alone, it deserves our thanks.
And let’s all be completely honest — no one really loves beer from day one. Yes, there are plenty of people who prefer it after a couple years of practice. But like coffee or riding a bike, it takes a little while to get adjusted to it. Hamm’s is like a Pumpkin Spice Latte with training wheels, minus the “basic” stigma.
We at the University of Michigan salute you, Hamm’s, and will only stop buying your beer when “Fergalicious” stops making everybody at the party go wild — AKA never.