Everything that sucks about graduating

We’ve all been told “college is the best time of your life,” “enjoy it while it lasts,” “four years will fly by”… we get it. Well as it turns out, they were right. For many of us, D-Day is fast approaching. It’s not long until we’ll be walking across the Breslin Center stage to collect that piece of paper that’s worth well over $100,000, four years of your life, along with a combination of blood, sweat and tears – or whatever floats your boat. The prospect of this impending doom is like those dark clouds you see looming in the distance as you wait anxiously in anticipation for the storm to hit. That looming presence some like to call graduation. So here’s a reminder of just how good we really do have it (for now).

You cannot pick and choose your schedule.

Say goodbye to this pleasure that until now, you have taken for granted. No longer are the days of having no class on Monday, and obviously clearing your schedule on Thursday afternoon so you can spend two hours waiting in line to attend East Lansing’s Holy Grail, Rama.

You cannot skip work “just because.”

Thinking of pulling a sickie because you’re too tired from a long night at work or perhaps it was just a jam-packed evening of Netflix? Think again. That is, of course, unless you don’t mind being treated like a total outcast. Be prepared for everyone to notice and just assume you called in sick due to a hangover. Which in most cases is true, but they don’t need to know that.

It’s so much harder going to work hungover.

There’s no doubt it’s doable. But is there really a feeling much worse than having to consciously hold the insides of your stomach down? Or better yet, having the unsolicited power to potentially ruin someone’s life? Imagine being a plastic surgeon and going to work the morning after a Wednesday night at Dublin. Oh wait, just take a look at Amanda Lepore – the result of attending work hungover.

There are no marks for attendance.

Sadly, employers do not offer a bonus for those who make the very conscientious effort to turn up to work on Monday right through to Friday.

You lose your sense of self.

First you go from Burnett’s to Smirnoff. You slowly forget the joy those pitchers from Rama used to bring you. Next you’ve acquired a taste for wine rather than spending half your night squished at the bar waiting for a bartender’s attention. Wait, it get’s worse. Long gone are the days of lining up for French toast sticks at the caf, in hope that they’ll soak up last night’s alcohol. Instead, it’s breakfast that comes at a cost you probably wouldn’t have even spent on a Tuesday night at Rick’s.

You actually have to think of your future.

Your idea of ‘future’ no longer consists of contemplating where you’re going to go out on the weekend or when you’re going home next. Instead, your idea of ‘future’ transforms into an overwhelming whirlwind of questions like: Is this really where I see myself in the next five years? Should I start paying off these credit card bills? When should I put a deposit on a house?

You have to look presentable 5/7 days a week.

Forget rolling out of bed, hopping on the next CATA and rocking up to class with yesterday’s hair and half a bagel in hand, just to realize you forgot to take your pajama pants off and put your track pants on instead. Don’t worry, your perception of what is deemed presentable will soon change.

You have to spend your hard earned pennies on an iron and ironing board instead of a Number One from Conrad’s Grill.

See last point.

A very bleak looking future, I know.

There are no 2-month breaks.

It’s quite distressing coming to terms with the harsh reality that 4 months worth of break per year is in fact, not a fundamental right. Before you know it, 4 weeks of break per year will be considered a privilege. And that’s if it gets approved.

You realize you have a solid 50 more years of this.

Unfortunately pursuing your life long dream of becoming a grey nomad, or whatever tickles your fancy, may have to wait. Realizing you have fifty more years of this before you can escape all responsibility in your Winnebago is yet another harsh reality.

Here’s just one last piece of valuable advice for those thinking of graduating any time soon: