Stop judging me for being in a relationship in college

The summer before I moved to JMU I fell in love, and I will never forget how bad people made me feel about it.

“Don’t you want to have freedom?”

“You’re going to change. There’s no point in trying.”

“You need to focus. There are going to be thousands of new people to choose from at college, and you have plenty of time to find someone.”

And the most popular question: “Don’t you want to have fun?”

I felt as if I was doing something wrong by choosing to be in a committed relationship and going to college. Why is this a thing?

I started dating my boyfriend on June 19, 2015, two months before I moved six hours away to JMU. I swore that I wouldn’t get into a relationship the summer before college, but I am so incredibly glad I did. Of course I was terrified about what would happen and how (or if) we would manage to keep the relationship we had by being so far away from each other, but I knew it was somehow manageable. If he was willing to work for it then so was I.

Once I arrived at JMU, the negativity around being in a new relationship while coming into college swarmed me. I constantly heard those same four sentences by family, friends, and even random people that I just met. But let me explain (this is probably going to be a sappy love-fest, sorry).

Don’t you want to have freedom?

I do have freedom. My boyfriend and I are not the same human being and he doesn’t control every move I make. I am in college and he realizes that. He doesn’t have to “allow” me to do anything. If I want to go out on Saturday then I will go out. If I want to have a group of guy friends then I will have a group of guys friends because he trusts me. If I want to play three intramural sports and be busy the majority of the time, then I will play three intramural sports and be busy most of the time. This is a time for taking chances and experiencing new things and making memories. He understands that.

Don’t take this as a “I’m going to do whatever I want” kind-of-thing, though, because that’s not the case. I always have to take his feelings into consideration too, but it’s not like he expects me to be a lonely, miserable college student focused on him only.

When you are in a relationship, it’s not like you’re chained to your dorm bed and have to ask for permission to experience new things. I respect him and he respects me – it’s seriously not that big of a deal.

You’re going to change. There’s no point in trying.

So what if I change? I am going to be changing for the rest of my life. I will not have the same thoughts and viewpoints for the rest of my existence. He isn’t going to stay the same either.

Love isn’t just a feeling – love is a choice. If I claim to love my boyfriend for his personality and love for others and then his personality and love for others changes or leaves, that means that I would no longer love him because my love was based off of his characteristics. I chose to love my boyfriend for whoever he is at every point in his life and he chose to do the same. I expect him to love me for whoever I become, not just who I was when he met me. His love for me is not only based on the feeling we have when around or away from each other, but on the choice he has made to love me even through my changes and our harder times as well. So since we have committed to each other, I’m not worried about changing.

 

You need to focus. There are going to be thousands of new people to choose from at college, and you have plenty of time to find someone.

I didn’t get into a relationship because I was worried about not finding someone. I got into a relationship because I felt a connection that I didn’t want to ignore or give up on. After I had found that connection, I didn’t want to find someone else. I can look at the thousands of men here and never doubt my decision to be in a relationship, whether you believe me or not, because I have what I have always wanted right in front of me. Why would I give up on something so great?

As for focus, like I said, my boyfriend doesn’t control me. He isn’t a distraction when I need to get things done because he respects me and understands that college isn’t something I can joke around about. Anyone that understands how expensive and important college is wouldn’t be a distraction to you. Obviously there will be the occasional argument or “I miss you” phone call that lasts an hour or two which results in a little less school time, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And I don’t think a phone call is going to cause me to fail a class or something traumatic like that.

Don’t you want to have fun?

This question can usually be translated into “Don’t you want to hook up with people?”

No, I’m not saying that this is what is meant every single time the question is asked, so don’t get your panties in a wad. Usually.

The answer is no. I don’t. If hooking up with guys is fun to you then you do you boo-boo, I ain’t judging. But to me, it isn’t. I don’t want to think about other guys because I have a guy who I love with my whole entire heart back home. And he can handle my attitude, which is a pretty big deal.

To me, fun is laying down with him and watching Law and Order: SVU 15 times in a row and trying to duet the intro song together. Fun is seeing who can get the top answer on Family Feud first and listening to the insane stories he tells when he falls asleep that I’ll laugh about forever.

Our definitions of fun are different and that’s okay, but there’s no reason to act like I’m a little crazy for being in a committed relationship. Being in this relationship has given me amazing memories that were some of the funnest times in my life.

Being in a healthy relationship while in college isn’t a bad thing. An unhealthy relationship, on the other hand, may be a little iffy – like I said though, you do you boo-boo. Overall, happiness is what is most important. If being in a relationship makes you happy then go for it. If sitting in your dorm room alone every day is what makes you happy then sit in your dorm room alone every day. Others’ opinions shouldn’t affect the decisions you make regarding your own happiness.

Just because you don’t want to take part in a relationship while in college doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t. The stigma that is placed on relationships at this point in our life is unnecessary and ignorant.

I am happy and thriving while committed to someone in college and I am not missing out on anything.