The many distractions on your way to class at JMU

The JMU campus is a beautiful place but it holds a dark secret. From bloodthirsty philanthropists to never-ending trains, the diversions are crippling and make me doubt whether I’m ever going to get to class. If you go to JMU you’ll probably understand what I’m talking about when I explain what a typical day of diversions on campus is like.

Don’t worry, it’ll be 80 tomorrow

My days usually start off normal. I wake up at 8am, slip into my diamond slippers, and enjoy a nice caviar breakfast. I then walk to the bus stop, usually miss the bus, and begin my walk to class. Everything is going great so far. Sure, it’s a bit nippy at negative thirty degrees but Harrisonburg weather changes approximately fifteen times a day anyways.

Since yesterday there was a heat warning, I’m not thinking about the fact that there may be ice on the ground. I sprint into the arboretum and slide on a patch of ice for fifteen feet. I face plant and somehow accidentally choke on my tailbone. I get up, dust myself off, and continue my slide to class.

By the time I get to the end of the arboretum it is 70 degrees and I slide into a pile of melted ice. Now I am soaking wet and slightly grey in pallor due to frost bite and pure confusion from the changing weather conditions. No worries though. The weather shouldn’t change for another 30 minutes so I have time to get to class. Now I just have to wait 20 minutes until a car realizes it is supposed to yield to me at the crosswalk. A car finally stops, so I turn to wink at them, lick my lips, and skip on my merry way.

The journey begins. (Pretend this is on campus because I couldn’t find a better picture)

I have managed to make it all the way to the crosswalk right before Ms. Chips. It could be Mrs. Chips or Mr. Chips or Pastor Chips. I really can’t be bothered to figure it out. Regardless, I’m now at the corner right before that store when a train shows up. It wasn’t anywhere within 30 miles of the place 20 seconds ago, but now it’s right in front of me. You may be thinking “Just go around it. I can’t. It has circumnavigated the entire globe.

“Everything comes to an end” you bellow. Correction: most things come to an end, but the trains on the JMU campus are not one of them.

Eventually, I grow bored of this so I run to Godwin to grab a football player from the weight lifting room. I gently force him to throw me over the train. Now I am on the other side and I can get to class without any distractions right? Wrong.

I don’t want your fliers

As I approach the commons I see a vast array of demonic forces closing in on me. What are they going to do? Are they going to possess me? Are they going to sacrifice me in some sort of ritual? Usually, no. Instead they ask me questions like “Hey, can you come to this fasted dance marathon at 3am on Saturday morning? Or like, are you not really concerned with curing childhood dementia?”

I am now forced to carry the weight of an entire flier on my way to class. Obviously it bogs me down but I need to keep moving. I’m out of the commons now. Just kidding. I’m not. Why? Because some man from a religious institution stops me to ask me where I think I’ll end up when I die. He doesn’t ask me my name or how I am doing. He just stops me and starts to talk to me about my death. I try to be civil and act as though this is normal but I can’t help but think he already has my death planned out. He says: “When you die, are you going to Heaven or Hell?” I rip off all my clothes, chug a bottle of tequila, eat the bible in front of him, and say “Heaven.” Then I run off to class.

By this point, I have genuinely passed all obstacles at JMU. This isn’t me being facetious. I actually made it. It’s not so easy to make it to class on time with this many obstacles but it can be done if you think outside the box. Good luck and I hope your trek to campus is easy today!