What it’s like living with an eating disorder

On the outside Savannah, a college freshman, appears to be bubbly, outgoing, funny and most of all, happy. She is involved in a wide variety of organizations on campus ranging from Greek Life to Salsa Club, and eager to see what else college has to offer. She, to most outsiders looking in, would seem to have it all together. But on the inside she struggles with an eating disorder that affects her day to day life.

Her mom passed away when she was only eight leaving her and her family heartbroken. To cope with the loss she turned to food as a form of comfort. As a result she became chubbier than most kids her age and as time went on and she entered middle school she began to experience negativity because of her weight. Boys paid little attention to her and when one of her friends asked a boy she liked if he would ever date her he responded, “Yeah, if she lost some weight”. This stuck with her, and that next summer that’s exactly what she did. She ended up losing about fifty pounds by eating tiny portions and exercising long periods at a time.

When she returned to school the next year no one even recognized her, and boys began to give her attention, “it was like a drug” she said. Because of all the positive feedback she got she began to push herself further, and things began to spiral out of control. The weight loss became addicting and she would say to herself “I’ll be happy when I get to this number,” but when she got to that number it wasn’t satisfying and so she would push herself even further.

Eventually she was eating less than five hundred calories a day and her health started to deteriorate. “Looking back now I was so thin and I had constant bags under my eyes”, her nails also became so brittle they would just break because of the lack of nutrients her body needed, but wasn’t getting because of her eating habits. At this point her physical appearance began to concern her family, but no one knew how to approach the issue, let alone help.

“I never said anything to anyone, I didn’t want to talk about it. If my dad or my sister said something to me about it I would get really defensive,” she said. For a while her dad tried to let her get a grip on things herself, but eventually decided they needed to work on it together, as a team. They agreed to set weight goals and hold weigh-ins each week to ensure that she was staying the course. One week when she knew she was going to be under three or four pounds, she said to herself “you actually have to eat today.” That morning she made cinnamon raisin toast and put peanut butter on it. “I remember sitting there eating it and I was like ‘Dear God what have you been doing’ like this was the best thing I had ever had in my entire life.” In this moment she remembered thinking, “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Even still, she couldn’t just stop. The disorder had become a comfortable routine for her, a habit she could not just get rid of, but she wanted to start trying.

One day during her senior year a girl at her school overheard her talking about the struggles she faced with food and later reached out to her for advice on how to alleviate her own afflictions with food. Savannah found herself wondering how she could help someone else, if she herself was still struggling. This became a catalyst for real change in her life, and she felt like she was moving in a positive direction.

After graduating she moved into college and that first week she really made an effort to enjoy it and try not to think about what she was eating or how much she weighed. But after that week she weighed herself on a whim and saw that she had gained five pounds which caused her to spiral back into old habits. She would eat “healthy” on weekdays and indulge herself on anything and everything on the weekend. She said, “What it turned into was me kind of just starving and depriving myself during the week and then it turned into crazy binge eating on the weekend.”

After joining a sorority on campus, Savannah felt as though she’d found a reliable support system full of people whom she feels comfortable confiding in and who continually encourage her to move forward in her recovery from this disease. Although she still feels like she struggles to accept her body for what it is, she continues to move in a positive direction with the help of friends and family and tries to maintain a positive outlook on life.

“You’re worth so much more than the way you look, you’re worth your intelligence, your personality, the way you treat people, what you immerse yourself in,” she said.

The National Eating Disorder Association reports that “In the United States, 20 million women, and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life.” Such statistics show that eating disorders are a prevalent and extremely harmful diseases that often goes unnoticed by anyone but the person suffering from them, and in severe cases, not until it’s too late. Unfortunately many people are uneducated or unaware of what an eating disorder is, and how to help. However steps are being taken to change that, such as the month of February being Eating Disorder Awareness Month.

So take notice of your friends and family, and give support to those who may be suffering but not yet able to reach out for help. Recovery is often a long and painful process for those who suffer from these diseases, but there is help and there is hope. In the words of Savannah, “It sucks, its hurts and it’s awful, but you’re going to get through it.”