We need to be more open in discussions about suicide

My name is Huma and I’ve suffered from a mental health illness since I was 16 years old. I have attempted and thought of multiple ways to kill myself. I have written a suicide letter to my family explaining how I don’t deserve to live anymore. I apologized for being such a huge burden on them for bringing my mental illness into their lives. I’ve cut, I’ve cried, and I’ve doubted my existence.

Yet four years laters, here I am sitting at Java House feeling quite lively and content with my life. I think to myself while reflecting on the past, “every single human being has such a complex path that has led them to where they are today.”

Your negative thoughts do not define you, they help you figure out who you don’t want to be. Your mental health does not define you. Your mental health is there to remind yourself that you are human.

Me and my mother

Sonder; n.:  the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

I’ve found that sondering makes me feel more human around others. It reminds me that people get sad. People get happy. People get depressed; and even further, people get suicidal. Let me say this straight up though, some people would rather kill themselves than to be alive. I’ve thought about this a lot. Suicide.

Suicide has traveled through many many minds: the life of a sad 40-year-old who thinks they’ll never get married; the life of a 26-year-old who’s been going downhill ever since they graduated college; and the life of a 17-year-old girl who thought she wasn’t worthy of life.

Imagine a 16-year-old girl, Nerissa, with black hair, bangs across her forehead. Petite and often silent when around people, but ever so intelligent. This 16-year-old girl went to high school with me. She is insanely sweet and has such a creative mind. She came to me our junior year to start a school group; the Peace Group. I said yeah, let’s do it! Although in the back of my mid, I’m majorly depressed.

Nerissa & I with our ‘free hug’ signs

I went through a lot of mental sickness my junior year. I went to several doctors to figure out what was wrong with me, was admitted into an inpatient behavioral center after cutting myself and writing a suicide letter. The last thing on my mind was starting a school group, but Nerissa convinced me.

Nerissa came to me with ideas to help better the world. She would constantly suggest new ideas that would help our community. Eventually I mentioned to her that I had done this campaign called, “Free Hugs,” where you hold a sign that says “Free Hugs” in a large and open public place and wait for people to come up and hug you – she loved the idea, so we made signs.

On Black Friday of 2011, when we were going to do Free Hugs, she called me to tell me she had the flu wouldn’t be able to make it. In the end, I did it by myself and was on the he receiving end of tons of hugs from generous and loving strangers. The event ended, and Nerissa and I continued to talk about the Peace Group until summer arrived.

June 24th, 2012 came around and I was in Chicago with my family exploring the city. I was checking Facebook every now and then to keep up to date when suddenly I saw a post about Nerissa. She had committed suicide.

Weirdly, my first instinct is to laugh. I don’t know why. Then it sunk in… I start to blame myself. I should’ve listened to her more when she came to me with her ideas. I should’ve been more open and welcoming.

On June 24th, 2012 I was filled with regret. Why couldn’t I have saved her? I felt like an idiot. I wish I could’ve talked to her one last time to tell her whatever she’s going through would get better. Maybe not now, maybe not in a week or month or even a year, but it will get better.

Chicago, June 24th, 2012; where I was when I found out about Nerissa’s suicide

Not all mental health illnesses lead to suicide but it’s still an issue we need to be conscious about. I came across a TedTalk video by Ash Beckham which talked about how everyone faces hardships throughout their lives.

“There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else’s hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.”

Never compare you mental health to anyone else’s. Never tell yourself that you are not good enough. And never think to yourself that you are alone. There are many ways to help you feel better. It can be as simple as sitting in the sun and taking deep breaths, to going to therapy.

Just remember, so far you’ve survived 100 percent of your worst days.