My sister passed away one year ago today

My sister was taken away from me a year ago today. Mitochondrial Disease took her from me when she was just 19-years-old. All of our memories are repeating in my head like a movie being shown on a vintage projector. Every image shows how fearless you were. They reflect the unbelievable amount of strength that you had.

Today marks 365 days of you being away, and today I could feel you smile at me. I felt your faith and strength within me. I remember the days that should have been unlivable, and you would tell me, “God has a plan.”

Today I added a new memory. I was walking over the bridge, watching the water glisten and the white birds soar close to the water. I smiled and tears filled my eyes because I knew you were no longer far away.

But I am filled with anger. I miss my best friend.

We sang together. We watched way too many chick flicks. I am sorry for making you eat pizza every day because I am so picky. You were concerned with others. As you laid in that hospice bed, the only thing that worried you was if mom and I would be okay.

You weren’t scared. You weren’t angry for having this disease. But I am angry. The most important person in my life was taken from me. You are my person, the one who protected me. I still wait for your goodnight texts, but they don’t come. Every night you would tell me how proud of me you were, you would tell me that you love me to the moon and back. “Don’t forget to smile that beautiful smile,” you would say.

I am smiling through this anger, and this sadness because I was blessed with those 157,680 minutes of having you here. I am smiling because everyday I relive those incredible moments we shared. I know I am the luckiest person alive because no other person on this earth got the honor to be your younger sister.

I spend every second missing you and time won’t change that. This is why I celebrated what I was given today because the memories I replay in my head. On the days that I miss you, I will walk across the hall in my dorm. Konrad and Connor will have their Christmas lights on, and be playing music. It’s there that I know I can say anything on my mind, I am allowed to cry or laugh for no reason.

During my time here at the University of Iowa I have had the opportunity to make some really amazing friends in my dorm. Dhyana and I take care of each other, on rough days we prove to each other that we aren’t alone. One-day last semester Nora surprised me with chocolate and wrote me a letter to cheer me up. Jessica never fails to make me smile when she walks by and says “Hey K-Dawg!” and she laughs when I call her J-Dawg.

Then there is Evy who somehow convinced me to believe that we have an advanced basket weaving class, it was months before I finally realized that she was messing with me. I can always count on Jill to laugh with me when we have blonde moments together. And Caleb and I constantly read “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath because a poem that great can’t ever be read too much. Jen will start using a banana as a microphone. Brooke is my RA sends me quotes and bible verses that never fail to make my days brighter.

Everyone on this floor walks by me with a smile, it’s a community that I wouldn’t replace for anything. They all take care of me in their own ways, and each and every one of these moments are what I look forward to. They are my family here at Iowa, and I can never thank them enough for loving me and supporting me the way they do.

I live everyday for both of us.  I am sorry you weren’t able to see the ocean or learn to drive. There are many things that you were never able to experience, but I will do these things for you. I love you, and I will see you again someday. You always told me you didn’t want me to be sad, but it is inevitable.

I promise you that I will never give up. My goal is to become a writer and tell your inspirational story. I will fight through those sad days and smile for you, because you are still my big sister.