If drinking were a sport, Iowa would be ranked #1

What really measures the success of a school? The graduation rate? The sports? The number of overweight squirrels?

Nope — all that matters is the ability of its students to out-drink the competition.

More than anything else, the most valuable skill you’ll learn during your 4 years of college is how to be a better drinker. And here at Iowa, we have perfected the art of drinking. We had 3 sports teams rank in the top 5 during their season this year, we’ve been ranked in the top 4 party schools since 2012, and we’re the #1 stress-free city in America.

No matter how daunting the beer pong table, full cup race, or keg stand, Hawkeyes don’t give up. We all have that inner Herky in us and celebrate being the best, one beer at a time. We are all Uthoff at the last cup, Koehn in the clutch, and at any given moment we will shout “fuck State” and keep going.

So what if Illinois has a better party once in a while? No Hawkeye would ever want anything less than Iowa City. No other school works harder and rewards itself better.

Drink hard, play hard

Iowa sports are on the rise. We still have haters and people doubting us, but numbers don’t lie.

We have played with the best and showed we are no joke. But behind the scenes, beers are being shotgunned, cups are being flipped, and we take down Hawkeye like it’s water.

The more cups, the merrier

We drink, and drink a lot. We don’t measure our drinks by how many cups we’ve had — we measure by how many bottles we’ve had. Kegs is always plural, and when we say “pitcher,” we don’t mean baseball.

We sharpen our drinking game skills until it almost becomes too easy.

BP, flip cup, boom. We mastered it all in the first week.

Our bars are the best

Being able to enter bars at 18 is a godsend. Sure, a fake ID can come in handy, but that doesn’t matter here. “Hawks Help Hawks,” and an empty hand is a sin. We don’t shy away from offering some help (especially in the form a beer).

Like every good sports team, our bench is strong, and we always have someone to come in the clutch and finish strong to the last drop.

We’re tough

School is expensive, but we still find a way to get our hands on some liquid courage. Busch Light is in our blood, and we will vouch for Hawkeye. When other schools are livin’ it up with glass bottles or liquor that doesn’t smell like rubbing alcohol, we grind it out. We are the runners fighting the wind, we don’t care about dirt, and we pray for more snow.

We are bred tough, and when the opportunity comes to splurge on better liqour, we gladly chug it in less time than it takes Illinois to puke it back up.

We have the best drinking songs

There are three songs every Hawkeye should know: the National Anthem, the Fight song, and Back in Black. There is one song we definitely know: “In Heaven There Is No Beer” reigns supreme on campus.

It’s inspiring, it stands for victory, and it represents our pride.

At no other school does every student, teacher, townsperson, and even cop sing in perfect unison — a perfect representation of our love for each other, our town, and our beer.

Hawkeye pride

There is also a sense of pride. No Hawkeye ever gives up.

We get the extra yard, take the extra shot, pin the opponent into surrender, and finish our drinks. Nothing is more shameful than leaving the liquid gold that is Busch Light in the bottom of the bottle.

From guys to girls, frats to sororities, TAs to students, we have each other’s backs and will finish every drink.