What it’s like to lose a loved one in college

We come to college thinking we are untouchable, but as soon as we hit the books and feel the waves of stress wash over us, we know that’s not true all the time. On top of all that stress, try adding on the pain of losing someone whom you were close to — whether that’s a family member, friend, neighbor, or teacher.

It seems impossible for us, as college students, to properly grieve given the amount of work we have to do. During my time in college I have experienced loss, have known someone else who has experienced loss, and have gone through the steps of how to help myself and others get through their grieving process.

My grandpa and me when I was 5 years old. Summer days were always the best days with him.

I lost my grandpa my first semester of sophomore year. He went into cardiac arrest and passed away about a week after he had just had surgery to remove the cancer from his lungs. It feels like it was just yesterday when I found out he had passed. I was sitting in my room about to go to the library to study for my exam that was coming up in three days. I heard my phone ring and it was my mom, I answered. I heard her voice on the other line struggle to be strong when she told me “Kayla, papa passed away.”

I paused and couldn’t believe what she had said. That night, I thought it would be a good idea to go out and forget I heard about it. But little did I know the next few days were going to be the hardest — I had to wait a week before going home. The next day, I went to the library to study and I couldn’t hold myself together. I had gone weeks without talking to anyone about how I felt besides my cousin at home (who had also been dealing with our grandpa’s death).

My friends all tried to talk to me, but they didn’t let me grieve or vent as much as I wanted to. I would walk around campus trying to hide my sadness. I would smile at my friends and laugh at their jokes when I thought, I really don’t want to be laughing at all right now. Campus seemed dead to me, when it’s usually upbeat and a great time. I didn’t have the support system that I hoped to have — instead, that support system was at home. I didn’t know what it was like to be the support system, until my cousin (who also goes to Iowa) lost his grandpa from his mom’s side.

The night I heard the news of my grandpa’s passing.

When he heard about his grandpa, my cousin had been getting ready for midterms — and we were moving on to finals soon. I asked him if he needed anything, and just tried to let him know that I was there if he needed to talk or a ride back home for the wake and funeral. He went through the next couple of days after hearing the news doing homework, staying at the library, and finishing up some of tests he had before leaving that Thursday night.

Seeing him getting the homework and studying done was crazy for me because I could barely even get myself to go to the library let alone look at a study guide when I lost my grandpa. That’s when I realized that some people have to work through the pain and turn that pain into strength to get things done and out of the way. Obviously, it was hard for him not to be home but he had to wait it out before making that drive back. Being away from home is a hard thing to do when losing a loved one because you aren’t able to grieve with the family until you are back home for the services.

My cousin and his grandpa at a family party.

Dealing with the stages of grief when you are in college seems time-consuming. Think about it: how many stages of grief do you have to go through before it’s all okay? Seven? Man… that feels like way too much. Not everyone goes through all the stages of grief. Some only go through a few, and sometimes people go through one stage longer than the other. Everyone is different, so I can’t tell you step-by-step how to get through something like this, but this is what I wish I’d done to help myself.

See a counselor

If I would have gone to a counselor, it would have been more helpful than staying at home, not knowing how to deal with the pain. If nothing else, a counselor is someone you can talk to about whatever you’re going through, and you can say things to him or her that you might not be able to tell a friend or family member.

Talk to friends or family

This helped me more than you can imagine. I would talk to my cousin every day and share memories or tell her how sad I was, because I knew she felt the same burden and needed to see the good memories just as much as I did. Talking to friends or family can relieve a little of the pain that’s dragging you down. These people who love and care for you can help you get through the grieving process because they don’t want to see you hurting.

Don’t shut it out

You have the right to grieve, so don’t shut it out — it’ll only make it worse. Just because your college friends may not be grieving or may not know that you are doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to show it. If you are grieving, tell them. They may not know what to say, but they will make sure you have your space or tell you they are there to talk. This is a healthy process to go through rather than keeping it bottled up. It will only hurt worse later if you tell people you’re fine when you really aren’t.