A definitive guide to having sex in the dorms

There’s that squeaking noise from down the hall again — the sound of recently liberated freshman sex fiends discovering what it’s like to get laid without the scare of a parent walking in. Instead, there’s just the scare of your roommate momentarily seeing your bare ass (and probably someone else’s). But don’t you worry, there are many ways to spice up you sex life by just utilizing the many things the dorms have to offer.

It may be daunting to climb up the ladder to the bed that rises scarily close to the hard, unforgiving plaster ceiling, but once you get up there the two of you will feel closer than you ever have before (in more ways than one).

Nothing can beat good old-fashioned missionary when it comes to having sex three inches from the ceiling. This position works best because you can lie basically flat on top of each other, making maximum use of the minimal space you have.

One thing to be wary of: when you change positions, it can lead to some serious back scratches if you’re lucky enough to live in one of the dorms with the popcorn ceiling. Or you could be the victim of a slight smack to the head, which can instantly ruin the mood for the night.

By far the best dorm to do doggy-style in is Currier. With the tallest ceilings around, you can sit almost all the way up without making unwanted contact with the ceiling.

Especially on the first floor, where you can extend as far as your body desires. If you’re cursed with a dorm with low-rising ceilings, try and do it on the futon, and if there is no futon readily available, make yourself a sex picnic and put a blanket down on the floor.

But you most likely already know what you’re doing in the dorm room itself, so let’s venture past the confines of your shoebox-sized room.

In a lot of the dorms this year there are the blessed pod-style bathrooms. These swanky potties are non-gender specific, so simply have your hunny go into the bathroom first, then wait a bit and casually walk in after them. Now you have your own private suite to do whatever your dirty heart desires. Just remember to keep your shoes on because you probably aren’t the only one to do something a little freaky in there this week.

If you’re feeling a little trashy you should venture down to one of the trash rooms conveniently located all around your halls. Go during the early morning/late afternoon after they take out the garbage or else the smell might be powerful enough to drown out your admittedly strong young adult hormones.

Put your bods against the door so no one bursts in, and proceed to thrust your horny hearts out.

So go have some safe, sexy fun, but make sure you also pencil in some time to study (the hotties in your dorm, that is).