Your guide to the weird and wonderful world of dorm life
Floor-cest is going to happen — it’s a fact of life
We’ve all been there. You show up for your first day of college with your giant pile of shit loaded into your car. You open your dorm door and then panic. “Where the hell do all of my clothes go?”
After I got settled, I felt slightly better: “Day one and I have the dorm thing figured out.” I thought I was a badass.
I was not. You have to work your way up to badassery.
I’ve captured some of the biggest life lessons that can be learned from inside those cinderblock walls by explaining the do’s, don’ts, and what-the-hell’s of luxurious dorm-style living from a sort-of-seasoned pro.
DON’T have sex while your roommate is in the room sleeping
Not only is this bound to get you quite the reputation for yourself, but it’s also really weird.
Your roommate doesn’t need to see your parts or his parts or your parts together. That’s for damn sure.
DO clean your room more than once a semester
Not trying to brad but… the floor is cleared and the bed is made
It’s really nice when you can walk across the floor without stepping on snacks from last month or “clean” laundry from three weeks ago.
Sleeping in a bed that doesn’t have shit all over the top is unbelievably rewarding, so when you have a spare four hours, I’d recommend attempting to put things away in your closet, AKA the floor.
It’s a vicious cycle and it’s really hard to escape, but we all tried. Kind of.
DON’T forget post-shower garments
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Here at IU, the Nearly Naked Mile is a fundraiser, but an unlucky few have also braved the Fully Naked 50-Meter Dash from the Bathroom to the Dorm Room.
If you find yourself in this compromising position, choose the time you choose to run strategically.
I’ve seen some pretty slutty outfits, but your wet, naked self leaves even less to the imagination than a freshman going to her first Halloween party.
DO take videos of your drunk friends
Why? Blackmail purposes. Duh.
If you’ve never woken up the morning after going hard and aggressively checked and instantly regretted your social media activity, you haven’t yet lived college to the fullest.
If only there was a way to screenshot Snapchat videos, am I right?
They may be mortifying now, but someday when you’re 25, they’ll be just as mortifying but at least you can look back and laugh at what a dumbass you and your best friends were (and might still be).
WHAT THE HELL happens when you commit floor-cest?
Not everyone’s done it. But if someone has, everyone knows about it.
It’s awkward as hell. There’s nothing quite like the look in someone’s eyes during that first awkward run-in. Ah yes, the infamous “I’ve seen you half naked, but let’s be civil and please not bring it up. Oh god, this is awkward. What if people find out. My life is over. This is so embarrassing.” thought that translates into a damn near equally awkward “Oh hey.”
You live with these people so you see them everyday. Avoiding him/her has about the same success rate as getting “enough” sleep. It doesn’t happen.
Even on a small scale, you can’t really do much about it. Just bear the awkwardness. Be prepared for questions and a whole lot of shit-talking. And try not to be a repeat offender. Try.
DO get comfortable around these people
Your floor is like your family. Not in the cheesy, “We all love each other” sort of way. That doesn’t happen. You’ll get really tired of about 97% of these people.
I mean this in the familiar way.
Boys: Girls don’t wear bras at 2 in the morning when they just rolled out of bed and have to pee. Don’t be weird about it. If anything, that’s the closest you’ve gotten to seeing boobs in quite awhile, so be grateful.
Girls: Boys aren’t going to wear shirts a majority of the time. Boys might also not wear anything other than boxers. That might also be the closest you’ve gotten to any action in while, so again, be grateful.
And lastly…
DO bask in the awkwardness and awesomeness of dorm life
It’s quite an experience living with 50 people you barely know.
There’s nothing quite like meeting someone new while wearing nothing but a towel or waking up to a random person sleeping on your floor.
It’s weird. It’s awesome. It’s awkward.
I’m not really sure what’s going to happen next year when I have to pay for air conditioning and my friends aren’t right down the hallway. As terrible as dorms can be, I honestly think I’ll really miss them.
Here’s to cinderblock walls and shower shoes!