Everything you need to nail your shameless walk of shame

So you woke up next to someone or you’re thinking about waking up next to someone or you just want to be prepared for future waking-up-next-to-someone scenarios. Worry not. We’ve got you covered. Here is everything you need to make your walk of shame a little less shameful.

Disclaimer: These kits are in no way trying to hide what you were doing the night before, you sly dog. They’re only intended to make you feel more comfortable about doing it.

The first walk of shame kit is something you should never leave home without, but it is imperative that you keep it on you the morning of your walk of shame.

Things you’ll need:

Confidence: You got some last night. Remember that if anyone gives you a dirty look walking home. If they do it’s probably because they’re jealous they didn’t.

No shame: Who cares if you hooked up with someone? Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of —embrace it.

A mantra: “I woke up like this” from Queen Bey, for instance, is perfect for this. You look great, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Rock that hair and be confident in last night’s makeup.

Also, forget that this is a walk of shame. It shouldn’t be of shame. We need to forget the sex-is-taboo mindset and think of it more positively. Consider this walk a trek of triumph, a promiscuous prance, or — my personal favorite — a got-laid parade.

For all of your personal hygiene needs, there is the pocket essential walk of shame kit. If you’re going out with friends or don’t want to take a big bag with you this is the one for you. It’s perfectly small enough to keep in your back pocket or small purse.

Things you’ll need:

• Altoid’s tin
• Condoms
• Lip balm
• $2-$5
• Colgate wisps
• Hair ties (or rock that sex hair, you look great either way)
• Wet wipes
• Plastic wrap

First, wash out your Altoid’s tin with soap and water. You don’t want any residual peppermint or cinnamon dust left in there. Throw a condom or two into the tin. No glove, no love. Am I right? Lip balm for potentially chapped lips. Take a wet wipe, roll it up, and wrap it in plastic wrap to keep it moist. This is for when you wake up feeling not-so-fresh. A listerine wisp will help you feel a bit refreshed and get the sweaters off your teeth. Hair ties for throwing your hair up into a ponytail or quick bun if you’d rather not rock the rats-nest on your head in public. You can omit this if your hair isn’t long.

$2-$5 would be helpful if you pass a gas station, coffee shop, or market on your way home and would like to stop in for a bottle of water or cup of coffee to help with that hangover you may be feeling if you drank the night before. Beyond that, you should be good to go.

Pro tip: securing your money with a bobby pin or paper clip will make it stay more easily.

If you have a little more time or a larger bag at your disposal, here is the more convenient, less essential walk of shame kit. This one is more luxurious and happy. Forget doing a promiscuous prance, this would be perfect to keep in your bag if you have frequent accidental sleepovers at a friend’s place.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• Wet wipes
• Travel size deodorant
• Lip balm
• Hair ties
• Make up remover wipes (if you wear makeup)
• Travel toothbrush
• Travel size tooth paste
• Condoms
• $5-$10
• A fresh pair of undies
• A container for all of these goodies

These things don’t take up a ton of room if you utilize the space correctly. Find a container — Tupperware works wonders — long enough to store your travel toothbrush and mini deodorant since these two things are less flexible.

Set those inside, along with your toothpaste, lip balm and a condom or three. Roll up a fresh pair of underwear and secure with your hair ties or a rubber band. The underwear is the most important step for making you feel the most at ease. Let’s face it, Mom was right when she taught us to change our underwear every day.

When it comes to the makeup remover and wet wipes, you can set the entire travel size packs in your container if it’s large enough or you can use the same method of wrapping each separately in plastic wrap and marking which wipe is which. Supply yourself enough cash to get a cup of coffee, water, and/or a bagel from Bloomington Bagel Company to snack on for the rest of your walk home. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Go forth and walk home with comfort and confidence. And don’t forget to make those got-laid parades a positive experience.