A loudmouth’s guide to shutting down loudmouths

You probably know someone like me. I’m the guy who uses vaguely defined pseudo-sociopolitical opinions as a means to justify my own obnoxiousness. An apostle of Anthony Jeselnik and South Park, I’ll grin my way through offensive joke after offensive joke, all the while calling anyone who contradicts me a “PC Principal” or an “overly sensitive puritan.”

In rare moments of sensitivity I might claim my insolence is the product of some equally nebulous maladjustment to societal norms. I might blame it on my obscure upbringing: “My father always told dirty jokes,” “It’s different where I’m from,” “This is just the way I talk with my friends,” etc.

But you know the truth. You know my lust for controversy has little to do with the First Amendment or American idealism. It all boils down to one thing: attention.

Any conversation is an opportunity for me to offend someone without mercy

Attention is my favorite.

A lover of controversy, I will go to great lengths to get a rise out of my peers. Don’t think I’m unaware of my motives. In many ways, my affinity for attention is directly related to my own self consciousness. The attention, positive or otherwise, I receive from my insensitive comments can momentarily subdue fears of of inferiority and low self worth.

It’s this very self consciousness that makes me painfully aware of how my bad habit does little more than hurt the people I respect. For the protection for my own reputation, as well as the reputations of thousands of other controversy addicts, it’s important to educate the public on how to make sure assholes like me learn some respect.

If you’ve ever had a friend or colleague that offended you, it’s imperative to understand how to effectively let the offender know what they did and why they should never do it again. Being on the receiving end of many of these confrontations, some more effective than others, I can’t think of a person more qualified to explain the best technique than myself.

Fist of all, never confront the person in a group setting. Just as the offender most likely ran his mouth in front of your friends, it may be tempting to make a similar affront with your peers present. This will do little more than fuel the animosity of the conversation. The offender’s goal in the first place was to get the group riled up, so your public defiance only placates to him.

The more personal approach

Instead take a more personal, intimate approach. Take the offender aside and explain your grievances. Although this might seem like a concession to the public shaming you think verbal offenders deserve, I assure you it’s a very tactical maneuver.

No longer able to feed off the energy of a crowd, the offender is confronted with his greatest fear: conversational intimacy.

Furthermore, always make sure your complaints come from a nonpolitical perspective. Offenders are used to politic rhetoric. It is, after all, the one thing they think gives them legitimacy, and they can go back and forth all day about the merits of something they may or may not understand. Instead of asking them to stop because of the strife of this-or-that marginalized group, focus on your feelings. Tell the offender this in a calm, friendly voice:

“Hey Kyle, it really upset me when you said this-and-that. I understand it was meant to be a joke, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t say it so often. Thanks dude.”

You have to remember that these people (my self included) think of themselves as jokesters. They want to enrich the world through humor. Although their methods are somewhat misguided, they are essentially people pleasers. If you want to break them, you must first expose how they fail to improve your happiness.

Once you hit that nerve, it will all be easier from then on out.