Which Presidential candidate is your res hall?

Charles Johnson is a freshman, undecided, who has absolutely no training in political science.

Charles Johnson, freshman, undecided

However, his wit and valuable insights make him more than qualified to answer a question all politically minded students have been asking themselves: which resident hall matches which presidential candidate?

Hillary Clinton – PAR

“Hillary is the life of the party, let me just start off and say that. Hillary needs that Late Night. Hillary cannot go without eating. PAR Late Night is Hillary’s best option for her party antics. Plus PAR is short and blocky and that seems to represent Hillary.”

Donald Trump – ISR

“I don’t think there’s any dorm that could possibly represent the racism or the hatred, but we can always go for the hair. Which dorm best represents Donald Trump’s hair? And honestly I’ve seen some great engineering hair at ISR, so ISR is Donald Trump.”

Ted Cruz – LAR

“Firstly, I think Ted Cruz would be on the Quad yelling things at people, like ‘You’re wearing shorts, you’re a whore.’ But once he goes back to his room, maybe LAR. They’re not a very social bunch over at LAR, and certainly no one would ever want to talk to Ted Cruz. In congress, no one ever talks to Ted Cruz, he’s friendless.”

Bernie Sanders – FAR

“Bernie Sanders lives in a socialist commune, but you said dorms, so I think honestly I think Bernie Sanders goes to sign up for housing, and he gets a really late sign up date, right. So Bernie Sanders, poor guy, gets stuck at FAR. It’s not because FAR represents him, it’s just that’s why everyone is at FAR. It just happened.”

Marco Rubio-Snyder

“Rubio is the life of the party. He heard the six pack is where the party’s at, so that’s where he is at. Rubio once said, ‘I don’t want to say if I smoked weed because then my kids will think it’s alright to smoke weed.’ He lived the party, he was a football player in college, he was the life. He actually didn’t do his research and ended up Snyder, poor guy, substance free, but he never listens to those rules. His dorm room fridge is full of liquor.”

Jeb Bush-Allen

“ I think he always wants to the hipster of the bunch. He’s got those nice Buddy Holly glasses, those hipster glasses. I’m not sure if Jeb Bush makes pottery, but he should. He says things that no Republican would say, like, ‘Muslims are legitimate citizens of this country and they shouldn’t be harrassed by thugs.’ I think that puts him straight at Allen Hall as the hipster of the bunch.”