The definitive guide to door holding at UIUC

With its strong emphasis on individual freedom and reckless abandonment, some might view college as an opportunity to suspend their allegiance to etiquette. After all, nowhere in the world of keg stands and ramen noodles is there room to discuss the exact Red Solo Cup to fork distance ratio of a proper placemat.

However, we mustn’t completely give up our understanding of chivalry and manners. It is the one thing that separates man from beast, UIUC from ISU. In order to regain the classic ideal of cordiality, we must first turn our attention to door holding.

You too can master the art of holding doors

The large, industrial, state sponsored doors of UIUC have been the ruin of many a refined student, male or female. Understanding the difficult dichotomy of when/when not to hold a door for another student is as topic of great controversy in my brain, and I imagine I’m not the only anxiously unctuous loser on campus.

The crux of this issue derives mainly from arbitrary guidelines for the door v. pedestrian distance that requires door holding. Who among us has not had this thought: “She’s about eight yards behind me, so should I hold the door?” We can trust the old adage, “It’s always nice to hold the door.” But this seems to ignore a very real issue.

You’re 20 yards from your dorm hall entrance. You’ve had a long day at class and want to take a leisurely walk into your home. Under no circumstances will you quicken your pace. However, as you near the entrance, you see an acquaintance has taken it upon himself hold the door for you.

If you were to walk into the building at your current pace, you would force this kind man to hold the door for upwards of five seconds. You also consider yourself to be polite young person, so you decide to speed walk into the entrance out of respect to the door holder’s time. Although you appreciate your fellow student’s politeness, you secretly resent him for making you quicken your pace.

This is where we take issue with the “Its always nice to hold the door” saying.

In truth, there are times when holding a door can be worse than not holding a door. To combat this issue, I implement the Five Steps Rule. If the person is within five steps or fewer of the entrance, you always hold the door for them.

If the person is within five steps or fewer of the entrance, you always hold the door for them

This could be difficult to judge accurately in the moment, but it’s certainly a solid brain exercise to avoid the awkwardness of the above interaction.

Of course, even more awkward than poorly timed door holding is the issue of how many people you should hold the door for. I can recall hours of my life wasted away by my incessant desire to hold the door for everyone entering Gregory Hall.

Wave after wave of students rushed through my kind gesture. I imagine most of them suspected I had given myself this responsibility and stubbornly refused to give it up. They probably thought I was one of those odd farm kids who creepily smiled their way through painful draughts and their pastor’s hate-fueled sermons. It’s uncomfortable to designate yourself interim door man for longer than seven seconds. It sets an uncomfortable precedent.

I recommend all students hold the door for only seven seconds at a time. Any more and you just feel like your kindness is being taken advantage of. Alternatively, if you happen to see someone holding a door for upwards of seven seconds, kindly take up the position. It’s a sign of gratitude that will really benefit any door holders day.

With these two simple rules, we can work to make this a better campus for all.