I watched Sharknado for 12 hours straight and it’s seriously underrated
‘Hold on to your panties ladies’
With less than a month to go before the release of Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, I decided to watch 12 hours of shark-tornado disaster movies. For a series so terrible it became its own meme in 2013, I uncovered some real gold. Read on to rediscover the cinematic miracle that is Sharknado.
The concept is downright intriguing. These masterpieces aren’t about boring apocalypses like climate change or the long-term consequences of human corruption — they’re about a tornado of freaking sharks! And then a sharkicane, and a lavanado, and a nuclearnado! Sharknado is the true literary lovechild of Homer and Shakespeare.
It’s going to be a day of luxury. I equip myself with cans of Dr Pepper, Clif Bars, and an armful of pillows. I kick up my feet and turn on my projector — no big screen is big enough for Sharknado 1: Enough Said. Now that I’ve convinced my cat to sit with me, I’m ready for its cheap horrors and even cheaper script.
The script will inspire for generations to come. There are snappy catchphrases ("that’s what you get for trying to eat me"), serious roasts ("you’ve got kangaroos loose in the brain mate"), riveting conspiracy theories ("apocalypse my ass… it’s the government"), and puns of 24K magic ("more like the Feast Coast").
…okay, it’s worse than I had hoped. Every character so far is a stereotype, dialogue is predictable (when it isn’t unexpectedly dry or gross), and special effects are laughable. At least by its rerun in Hour 7 the cardboard humor seems a little nostalgic.
The music steals every scene. Classics like "I Really Hate Sharks" and "Wave of Mutilation" keep viewers on the edge of their seats, no matter how many innocents are being eaten. And in its own way, the high-energy cacophony presents a nice parallel to the internal and external conflicts faced by its characters. Take that, haters.
The binge is beginning to burn. They’ve made every possible "-nado" pun, almost everyone onscreen is white, and they’ve used that godawful theme song in credits, action scenes, and filler scenes alike. The storms are getting bigger, the bombs are getting more dangerous, and Fin keeps getting higher up to drop them.
I’m neck-deep and beginning to doze off. Good thing when I come to, I’m watching the birth of Gil in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! — a newborn being rescued from inside a flaming shark that had just fallen from space. As well as the woman who birthed him. Why I am I doing this again?!
The action is overwhelming and unbelievable. Sharks are killed with a total of 26 different household objects, including umbrellas and selfie sticks. There are tons of CGI blood splattered across the ocean, camera, and East Coast. There are even guns sometimes!
What — it’s already over?
So mark your calendars, friends — on August 6, Sharknado is returning to its straight-to-TV glory to "make America bait again" … and I’ll be here, on my couch, watching all of them again.