Hands of Harvard: ‘I will not have sex until I am ready’

Disclaimer: The ideas presented below are true and unadulterated testimonies from people at Harvard. All information presented is based on their personal opinions and views. Their identities have been kept confidential and all information is anonymous. If you are a friend or loved one of the interviewee and are able to recognize their identity, please respect the confidentiality of these intimate posts. It is possible some information presented will be challenging, controversial, or triggering. If you are going to participate in the comments, please be mindful of the emotions of the interviewees who have opened up for this project.

“I feel like there is not a dialogue around people having this conversation, and I was like ‘We are going to have this conversation and it might be awkward but we are going to have it,’ so on one of our first few dates we had a conversation about norms around sex. My partner talked about his/her experience and I talked about mine and my thoughts on it, etcetera, and then point blank I said ‘I will not have sex until I am ready,’ and my partner has had sex before and that is something that has been continuously respected.

“Every two or three months we check in about the whole of our physical relationship in general. I think there are parts of it that people take for granted, like ‘if I am doing X, then my partner likes X,’ and that is not necessarily true. We have been dating for so long and we still ask before taking off pieces of clothing… and I think that should be the norm, in my opinion, because it sets the state that my body is not something you can take for granted, it is not something you can control or do what you want with it for your personal pleasure, this is a two way street and it should continue to be that. And if it something I do not like, even if it is giving you pleasure, then it is not something we are going to do…

“So I think with any type of sexual activity, intercourse, oral sex, whatever it is, it is always an explicit question in the midst of what we are doing. And it has become one of the reasons why we have continued to be attracted to each other, because in that moment the reminder of mutual respect is brought up.

“I think it is easy to compartmentalize the physical aspects of relationships and the emotional aspects of relationships and that is when sexual activity becomes strictly for pleasure. And for me, integrating those aspects has been very beneficial. I am continuously reminded that, although the physical aspect of our relationship is very good, it is founded on respect and trust and openness.”

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