We attended a class on BDSM at Harvard

“Work Hard, Fuck Hard: The Guide to BDSM in the College Dorm Room” was the second to last event of this year’s annual Sex Week put on by the student group Sexual Health Education & Advocacy throughout Harvard.

Sponsored by the Harvard College Women’s Center, the Center for Wellness, the Office of BGLTQ Student Life and the Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response, Sex Week ran from Sunday, November 8th to Saturday, November 14th with workshops titled “Feeling Myself: Conversations About Masturbation” and “Feminist Porn,” among others.

Staying away from cliché sex spots across campus like Widener Library, Sex Week workshops took place in seemingly innocent places like Ticknor Lounge, Holden Chapel, and Science Center 309a where Carmella and I braved the guide to BDSM at college.

Expecting giant dildos, full latex body suits, and steel chains, we were very surprised to see none of those things.

Instead, we walked into a room which felt more like a pre-orientation workshop than an info session on the kink, or BDSM practices in general, if you ignored the tables of sex products and the large dildo ad off to the left. The only real difference were the students in this audience who were actually listening.

After a few minutes, sex toys were passed around. The first was an unsuspecting piece of rope, followed by a much more concerning metal collar. As the presenters, one male and one female, explained, the collar acted kind of like “a wedding ring,” or a token of affection, but was more a symbol of the dominance the dominant/top has over the sub (short for submissive).

The presenters also showed a bondage harness worn around the waist. Other bondage harnesses, we learned, are worn over the torso and head too. We saw also a flogger with a shaft for “corporal punishment” and a “dragon tail” whip. I later saw the female presenter playing with a toy whose zaps (yes, zaps) she loved feeling on her skin.

After the toys, the workshop dived into the world of BDSM lingo and customs. We learned how the metal collar could signify a TPE, or total power exchange between the top and the sub. If that sub wears the collar throughout the day, he/she is 24/7, or practicing all the time instead just for a scene.

Scenes are the actual acts of BDSM. Some of these can be very well-planned out like those of the male presenter, an actor, who sometimes writes “thirty page scenes” involving “Martians” and “alien abductions”.

But even these scenes turn a little spontaneous as the acts go. As the female presenter said, “I think most of the time it’s not planned out.”

The person who you’re acting out a scene with is your kink partner.

“They don’t have to be your lover, they can be your friend.”

In fact, the presenters said they felt closer to their kink friends than their non-kink friends because they’ve “experienced them in a more intimate environment.”

But this is not the only way to go: some people leave their kink “strictly for the bedroom.”

Though you might see people suspended on ropes or mummified in saran wrap, as the presenters suggest as part of a perfect do-it-yourself scene, don’t forget that BDSM is all about safe, consensual kinkiness.

There are “safe words” kink partners use in scenes to tell each when they’ve had enough. And if you go to a BDSM party, there will a “dungeon master” whose job it is to make sure kink partners are acknowledging each other’s safe words.

But what if they’re gagged, you must be wondering. BDSM has that covered. Certain gestures like tapping your hand on your thigh when bound in saran wrap are also treated as safe words.

If you’re thinking about getting into BDSM, the presenters had a few tips for you:

Meet any new dominants in public spaces and make sure to speak with their friends to know what they’re really like. You want to make sure they will respect your boundaries and not completely dominate you especially when you don’t know if that’s really your thing.

Do your research so you know what you want your scenes to look like. Never be in a position where you think, “Well, maybe this is what I’m supposed to do.” BDSM is all about the sexual desires you want fulfilled. As the presenters said, “Make sure you’re giving a blowjob because you want to give a blowjob.”

Explore gradually. “Newbies in the scene get this excitement and go, ‘I wanna play with everybody’,” which is most likely a bad experience waiting to happen. “If you get a toy, try it, test it out on your leg or your butt,” so you know whether or not you it anywhere near you during a scene.

“Maybe a good thing would be to watch some videos,” to help your exploration.