How to survive Thanksgiving if you hate Thanksgiving food
Can we all stop pretending we like green beans now?
Unpopular opinion: Thanksgiving food is disgusting. Turkey is dry, mashed potatoes feel like premasticated vomit, and green bean casserole is an insult to the taste buds. Of course, pie is great, and I’ll always take a can-shaped cranberry sauce, but overall, I hate Thanksgiving food.
So what to do? Everyone knows the three F’s of Thanksgiving: food, football, and family. Food is arguably the most important of the three, so what does a person do when they don’t want to eat out of most of the thick ceramic dishes littering the dinner table? Here are some options.
Sneak in your own food
Wherever you’re eating this Thanksgiving, smuggle in some snacks of your own. Big coats and bags are totally normal this time of year, and no one will notice the bulge of some McDonald’s French fries or a sleeve of Oreos. If you keep munching all day long, you’ll only have to eat a little bit of what’s on the table before honestly saying you’re full.
Stake a claim on the one thing you do like
If there’s one Thanksgiving dish that doesn’t make you want to gag at the mere sight of it, snatch it like you snatch the best chair at the table, the only one that doesn’t squeak. Hide it under the table and eat that while everyone else fights over stuffing and steamed carrots. Sure, you might get caught, but if you’re lucky, you’ll get your fill before the bowl is wrestled from your desperate grasp.
Start a political fight at the dinner table
It’s a cliche, it’s true, but what better way to avoid eating than screaming at your racist uncle for a few hours? No one’s going to pay attention to your full plate if you’re going at it with your grandfather who voted for Drumpf and your cousin who showed up smelling of pot and wearing a Gary Johnson t-shirt. Before long, your littlest cousin will be crying and everyone will be fleeing from the table in search of a football game to watch or dishes to clean, and you will once more be free of the expectation of eating another gross vegetable.
Break a bone
If you’re really committed to avoiding the scourge of Thanksgiving food, just get yourself sent to the emergency room. Maybe you take a nasty hit while playing backyard football. Maybe you slip and fall off the roof while helping your cousins hang Christmas lights. Maybe you “accidentally” start to choke on a bite of that quiche your wine aunt insisted you try. Whatever you pick, who’s going to make you swallow down an overcooked turkey if they’re ushering you to the nearest emergency care clinic?
Fake your own death
Perhaps a more extreme take on the previous solution, if you’re truly dedicated to the cause of never eating Thanksgiving food, you can always create an elaborate scheme to convince your entire family that you have tragically died. Sure, it’ll probably tank the mood at dinner, but coming back to life a short while later? A true Christmas miracle.
Or you can always do what I did and schedule a major dental surgery for the day before.
Whatever your solution, just remember that you have options when it comes to avoiding the Thanksgiving food like the plague. And if you are forced to choke down some revolting casserole, just remember: there’s pie waiting for you at the end.