I’ve gone through college with anxiety, but it doesn’t define my experience

The summer before your freshmen year of college, you’ll hear “it’s going to be the best four years of your life,” so many times that you might actually start to believe it. Even if you’re not 100 percent convinced, you have high hopes. I know I did. College would be my first time truly away from home and my first taste of independence. Of course, I was nervous and sleep the night before the big move to FSU was hard to find, but first day jitters were not a new thing for me. However, those first day jitters didn’t go away. In fact, they seemed to intensify. I stopped eating regularly, crying became as commonplace as speaking, and that hole right behind my ribcage filled with nerves and fear became my closest friend and greatest enemy. For the first three months of my college experience, I lived in a constant state of anxiety and panic attacks- but I’m here to tell you, it gets better.

Since middle school, I have dealt with social anxiety – I get nervous when it comes to talking to new people and I have never been a fan of change. When I got to college, the anxiety that I normally felt in certain situations was constant, never giving me a break. I was suddenly living in a fairly small room, with my new roommate who I had only met once before always sitting ten feet away from me. Alone time was almost non-existent, and as an introvert, that quickly became a problem. None of my high school friends came to Florida State with me, so my entire support system was suddenly long distance. All this change all at once with barely any time to adjust before classes started sent me into a tail spin, one that continued on for almost four months.

You can’t tell, but I’m fairly certain I had just had a panic attack before this.

Anxiety manifests itself differently for everyone affected, so I can only tell you my personal experience. Anxiety for me means being paralyzed by nerves, sometimes unable to convince myself to get out of bed for hours. Anxiety for me means having no appetite – I lost ten pounds my first year at school. Anxiety for me means a lot of tears, sweat and fear. This all sounds very scary, and it was, but I wasn’t dealing with it alone for very long.

Even through all of my anxiety, however, I managed to make a few friends and these friends became indispensable. These new friends, my new growing support system, always made sure I knew I could call them whenever I was having an attack, whether it was three in the afternoon or three in the morning. My now best friend opened her dorm room to me- she had a single room- and allowed me to sleepover when I was feeling too uncomfortable and panicky to sleep in my own. She would listen to my crazy, crying rants about how awful I felt, even when I wasn’t sure why I felt so bad. And my poor, sweet roommate would talk me down if I woke up in a panic attack in the middle of the night, sacrificing her own sleep to help me. While none of these wonderful acts solved my anxiety, they definitely helped relieve it and that’s the first step to feeling better.

Without this gal (and many others), I may not have stayed enrolled in school.

The week before Halloween, I was granted a room change and was able to transfer into a single room, my own, private space. That was the turning point for me. With a space to truly call my own and be able to get away from people when I wanted and recharge my emotional battery, I found myself quickly becoming more like my old self, the anxiety– for the first time in months– fading into the background.

My anxiety is not gone. I don’t think it ever will truly be gone. Now, as a Junior, my everyday anxiety has become quite minimal. Very rarely do I find myself waking up unable to get ready for class, or unable to eat, or wanting so desperately to drop out of school and just go home. However, when it does return, I now know what to do. I know to call my family or my friends and talk my way through it. I know to put on some good music or watch some television. Most importantly, I know that it will pass. Whether it’s through friends or a therapist or some music or a TV show or whatever coping mechanism you can think of, the anxiety will pass, even if it feels like it never will.

My first night in my single room!

I know it’s hard to take the word of some random collegiate who you’ve never met before, but if you’re suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, I can assure you that it really does get better. Don’t be afraid to go to your university’s counseling center; it was hard for me to go, and I basically just cried through my entire first visit, but they are there to help you, not to judge you. If the counseling center doesn’t do it for you, there are anxiety call lines so you don’t have to talk face-to-face. Most importantly, find things that make you happy, because your happiness is what is going to help you push through and that place where you finally kick your anxiety in the ass. And once you do that, college may actually have the potential to be the best few years of your life.

If you or someone you know on the FSU campus is suffering from anxiety, depression, or other mental health related issues, please check out FSU’s Counseling Center for information on various resources and how to make an appointment.

@thenamessteph