The seven stages of procrastination

We all know what it’s like to push off our paper to the last possible minute. That’s what most of college is. Throughout this process there are stages we go through, in the hopes of finally reaching acceptance.

Stage 1: Shock

You’ve successfully put off your work for a few days and now you realize just how much there is to be done. You look at your agenda in disbelief upon realizing you have about 5,000 words to write this weekend. You tell yourself you’ll sit down and do it right now and just get it over with. Don’t worry, pal, we’ve got a long way to go.

Stage 2: Denial

It ain’t just a river in Egypt. You tell yourself you don’t really have that much work to do, and at any given moment you could easily just sit down and get it done. Instead, you start scrolling through Facebook and 2 hours later, you seem to have entered a black hole of cooking videos and briefly remember getting up for a snack. It’s fine.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Okay, self. Write 500 words and then you can be on Snapchat for 5 minutes. That didn’t work. Every 10 minutes of work you’ll watch 10 minutes of Netflix. After 2 hours of Grey’s that’s also not working. Write just ONE page and then make yourself some food. And then sit in your bed for a while. And then watch Netflix. You’re now 4 hours closer to your deadline with nothing to show for it.

Stage 4: Guilt

At this point in the game you feel like stalling even more on your paper or project to throw yourself a good old fashioned pity party. You cry a little about that one time in middle school a teacher yelled at you, think about how your parents must feel about raising a failure, and finally — if you’re really deep in your feelings — watch some military homecoming videos and get it all out.

Stage 5: Anger 

Who the hell does the professor think he/she is?! Assigning this kind of work on a weekend??! They obviously have no life and hate us and want us to fail and have no idea how hard it is to balance a solid GPA, thriving social life, and GREAT hair.

Stage 6: Depression

Pity Party Part 2: Return of the Blues. This paper is never going to get done. Maybe you weren’t born to go to college. I hear there’s a great market for yurts and Washington state is nice this time of year. I guess it’s time to throw higher education into the back of the closet with your old sports participation trophies. Maybe next year, pal.

Stage 7: Acceptance

It’s now midnight and your paper is due at 8am. Every possible procrastination method has been exhausted and now there’s nothing left to do but write this stupid thing. Brew yourself a strong cup of coffee because it’s going to be a long night. God speed.