How to avoid preachers on campus

Everyone has experienced it. You’re walking along, minding your own business, probably listening to music. You’ve just finished class and you’re day dreaming about your afternoon date with your bed and Netflix.

But there comes a time when people want to approach you, talk about religion, give you a flyer, or make you sign something and invade your alone time.

They mean well, but hearing, “So what was the highlight of your day today?” Is the last thing you want to answer. I have devised a few more daring strategies to get those pesky preachers out of your hair.

Try to be polite

You can say anything you want to try and get rid of them, like the classic “I’m sorry I have class now gotta rush can’t talk” excuse. Or put a softer tone of voice on and say: “No thank you I’m not interested.” But rarely do these tactics ever work, these guys are relentless and skilled in the craft of annoying the shit out of you.

Come up with a foreign language

For starters, your initial instinct upon attack should be to pretend you don’t speak English. Mumble a foreign phrase and swiftly walk the other direction. This approach can be flawed though on the chance that they also speak that language. In this case, silently stare into their eyes until they’re sufficiently creeped out.

Turn the conversation to talk about YOUR religion

If you’re feeling chatty you can obnoxiously u-turn the conversation by pressuring them to join your religion instead until they get frustrated and walk away. This works best if coupled with incessant questioning and ridiculously lengthy explanations of your religious leaders.

Get to know them — they’re so nice!

Carry The Book of Mormon with you

This avenue involves some preparation, but can be the most effective. Keep a pocket sized copy of The Book of Mormon in your bag at all times, that way when a missionary hits you with a “I’d like to tell you about this book of Jesus Christ,” you can whip out your secret weapon and slap them back with a “Already got it bro,” and go on your merry way to fail chem.

In a frisky mood?

Interrupt their first question by leaning in for a kiss. Move slowly and go as far as you can until they freak out and move away. Walk it off and hope none of your classmates saw.

If these suggestions are too aggressive or embarrassing for you, just go all Michael Scott and be their best friend. Maybe even ask them for directions to the closest Mormon church, it’ll make their day.