The biggest and best Emory Secrets posts

Devoted followers of the Emory Secrets Facebook page will find that it’s been a little barren this semester. It could be that the admins abandoned the page or that people just aren’t submitting.

Whatever the case, the page weaved some interesting stories into our school’s tapestry, and we’re going to review the most memorable.

The post that started it all 

The first post on the Emory Secrets page:

Is it just a test post? If not, where is the secret? Is there truly bravery without terror?

This page started off with the real questions. The ones that’ll keep us up at night.

Impostor syndrome

Really? You cheated on your SATs to get accepted here?

I mean, Emory is an incredible school, but if you’re going to cheat on the SAT, why not just go all the way and get into Harvard?

He says “No regrets” though, so I guess he’s not too heartbroken about us dropping out of the Top 20.

Marking territory

Is this real? It doesn’t matter.

An accusation so quickly followed by a confession makes for the easiest investigation of all time. If every crime was solved this easily, Batman would be working 4 hours a week.

Professor incognito

Early on in the Emory Secrets site, there were a few posts from a “professor.” Whether this was an actual professor or not, the secrets dispensed some sound, interesting advice.

It was nice to think there was a wise older voice guiding us through our confusing quarter-life crises. A cyber-Gandalf, if you will.

The miracle meme

That’s right, Emory students. Instead of actually studying or going to office hours, just get yourself a slice of that humble pie and send your professors an image macro about how you can take criticism.

They’ll be so impressed by the fact that you aren’t currently petitioning for their resignation, that they’ll give you a regrade. Memes save lives, people.

This one bumped by up a letter grade last semester…

Cool cats

The stray cats on campus are like the unicorns of Emory: fleeting, and bringing much joy to anyone that encounters them. Who wouldn’t want to give our furry friends a Valentine? Except chocolate can be lethal for cats.

What’s especially disconcerting is the fact that this was posted on February 15th. Hopefully the cats sprinted away before they could get their Valentine.

Let’s just stick to apathetic cuddles and selfies when encountering cats from now on, okay?

The condom wall

Out of all the stupid Emory Secrets, this is, by far, one of the most divisive. Is this person wasting condoms? Is he or she a misunderstood artist? Most importantly: did they staple them to the wall, or did they use tape?

The first image is one of adolescence and naivete, featuring only one color wrapper (representing the lack of experience), a desk light (the light of innocence), and a jester’s hat (symbolic of the levity of youth). In the second image, the variety has grown, the design has become more intricate, reflecting precious memories the artist has made. The jester’s hat is pushed out of the frame slightly, and a guitar appears in the corner (an instrument the artist uses to try and charm possible suitors).

Clothes have piled up on the bed, leaving the viewer to wonder “Did this person just do laundry, or are those dirty clothes they have yet to pick up?” indicating either attempted order or chaos that resulted from passivity. Finally, the smiley face of black condoms appears, indicating the artist’s attempts to create joy from darkness. Or maybe this was just a freshman who saw free condoms for the first time and thought it would be funny to take them from people who actually need them. Who knows?

Hopefully, Emory Secrets will be up and running again so we can have more memorable moments such as these. Everyone on this campus has a confession to make, but these are the best of the best.