Which cartoon characters would live in the new residential houses?
We’ve broken down each house for you as sorting day approaches…
After the school’s recent announcement detailing the residential college system that’s part of President Hanlon’s Moving Dartmouth Forward campaign, many students are wondering:
“What is a residential college and what can it do for me?”
Under the residential college system, every student will be “sorted” into one of the six houses, but unlike in Harry Potter where there’s a dramatic ceremony featuring a talking hat, software that the school runs will tell us our placement. Each house has its own faculty advisor, location, and unreasonably lame house name.
The residential college system is intended to provide students additional academic resources, and a tight-knit social space that has the community feel of a Greek House but isn’t centered around “hooliganism and tomfoolery”. The faculty advisors seem pretty dope all around. You’ll be able to see them for academic support, during house-wide events hosted at their house, and even for a little chit-chat when you’re feeling like a chatty Kathy.
While we’ve gotten some more specifics on the Houses themselves, there are some aspects of the new residential college system are still unknown. As we near the date where campus will be sorted and placed, students are trying to determine what these houses will be like from a social standpoint.
What cartoon characters you like say a lot about who you are. To take a stab at debunking the unknowns of the new houses on campus, we figured out the cartoon characters that would most likely live in each house. At the end, cast your vote on the best house you would want to live in on campus.
West House
West House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: Fahey, McLane, Butterfield, and Russell Sage Halls.
Faculty advisor: Ryan Hickox.
Our take: Party House woooohooo! Often referred to as “Sussel Rage” the Russel Sage dorm is the only on campus that (for some unknown reason) has its own basement for “party-time” activities. This makes kids in the Rage house “super trill” since they’re able to get “totally wicked wasted dude” with ease, even during the six week frat ban at the start of freshman year.
Cartoon character: West House reminds me most of Ash, Brock, and Misty from 4KidsEntertainment’s hit series Pokemon. In the same way Brock and Misty do nothing and just follow Ash around while he lives out the action-packed life of an aspiring Pokemon Master, all the other dorms will offer nothing and mooch from the “Sussel Rage” scene.
Allen House
Allen House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: The Gold Coast dorms – Gile, Streeter, and Lord Halls
Faculty advisor: Jane Hill
Our take: Really close to frat row, Allen is home to many frat stars who want to be close to their greekhouses who are too worried about academics to commit to the fully-fledged frat life. I’d say these students are typically pretty “ill” in a normative sense, but get even sicker grades.
Cartoon character: They’ll probably most closely resemble Hiro from disney’s Big Hiro 6, by doing a lot of sketchy shit on the weekends while killing the game academically.
School House
School House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: Hitchcock Hall and Mass Row – North, Middle, and South Massachusetts Halls
Faculty advisor: Craig Sutton
Our take: With the lowest average distance to Dartmouth’s hottest campus locations, I guess you could say School House rocks in terms of location. According to people familiar with the houses, it has one of the highest concentrations of tobacco and marijuana smokers on campus.
Cartoon character: I’d say students in the house will most resemble Hank’s crew from King of the Hill, since they care so dearly for their lawns and, consequently, often smell like “grass.”
East Wheelock House
East Wheelock House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: East Wheelock Cluster – Andres, Morton, Zimmerman, and McCulloch Halls – and possibly Ledyard Apartments
Faculty advisor: Sergi Elizalde
Our take: East Wheelock is traditionally characterized as the sub-free dorm. You can probably expect to see kids form East Wheelock studying, not going out to frats, and setting curves in your introductory courses.
Cartoon character: I’d say the bunch here most closely resembles the Ultra Lord Crew from Nickelodeon’s Jimmy Neutron series. The House Professor, Sergi Elizalde, is some kind of god of undergraduate teaching and mathematics (dude got a 4.0 at MIT while earning his Ph.D. in Math) so he’s kind of the brain-blasting boy genius of the bunch.
North Park House
North Park House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: RipWoodSmith – Ripley, Woodward and Smith Halls
Faculty advisor: Ryan Calsbeek
Our take: North Park House has a pretty stacked dormitory lineup. Ripley, Woodward, and Smith Halls are usually reserved for upperclassmen who have already “served their time” in dorms like the River and the Lodge. Members of North Park House will probably be entitled little shits who have always been handed the finer things in life. You’re also sort of fated into the house and then given preferable treatment to other students for being in it.
Cartoon character: I’d say North Park House is looking a lot like the entitled, resented Draco Malfoy crew. North Park is also really close to KAF – after scarfing brie and apple sandwiches for 4 consecutive years you might see a few Crab and Boyle sized kids in this residential housing community.
South House
South House: Photo courtesy of Dartmouth
Dorms: Topliff, New Hampshire Hall and The Lodge
Faculty advisor: Kathryn Lively
Our take: South house is made up of Topliff and New Hampshire Hall, which are nearly identical and adjacent, and the very dissimilar lodge. Though all three dorms are part of the same house, students in Topliff and New Hampshire halls will be much more likely to mingle with each other than they are with students form the lodge, simply because you have to walk much further to get to the lodge form the other two dorms, and because the Lodge is so heinous that most people wouldn’t hang there for all the friends n the world.
Cartoon character: South House’s oddball-bearing trio dynamic most closely resembles that of Ed, Ed, and Eddy. Like the two Eds, Topliff and New Hamp are very similar at the core, while Eddy, like the Lodge, is the weird head-turning piece of shit you wouldn’t think was in the group.