Students reveal the worst identifiers they’ve heard at Dartmouth
Are you a ‘Douchey Josh’ or a ‘Less Douchey Josh’?
Whether we realize it or not we all have them: identifiers
Identifiers are essential mental tools really. You meet somebody once or twice, they seem nice enough, you might even have great chitty chatty small talk but for whatever reason, their name escapes you.
Try hard as you might, they said it once, and you don’t want to or can’t ask again. But what you do remember about this individual will mark their identify in your mind forever.
Poka-dot shirt, brown hair with too many bobby pins. Ahah! Their name is found.
My identifier: ‘Apple juice lady’
The Tab went and asked Dartmouth students some of the quickly spun names that they’ve heard used to identify other students on campus…
‘Vaggy’
“The name of a gross guy my friend almost dated, bestowed this identifier because of his fowl smelling mouth that ironically mimicked the shape of a vagina (labia).”
-CL ’16
‘Goku’
“The Asian blonde haired Sig Nu boy who’s blonde highlights atop velvet dark hair remind his brothers of the fictional Dragon Ball Z character Goku.”
-MF ’17
‘Cokey the coke head’
“Because of his fervent love and frequent use of cocaine.”
-GH ’17
While some identifiers are born out of necessity – we don’t know their name but this individual is so frequently involved in our day to day life that we must mentally identify them by something – others sprout from mere coincidence.
You know two people with the same name and need some way to mentally differentiate them, such was the case of the two James. A couple of gentlemen whose overactive testosterone earned them these identifiers:
‘Rapey James’
“Due to his tactlessness in repeated attempts to fornicate with myself and many of my girlfriends”
-CL ’16
‘Thirsty James’
“Recalling verbatim what a girl wore the first time you met her two years and upon reuniting with her tasteful asking if she was wearing underwear beneath her overalls has earned this boy scout his badge.”
-BC ’19
‘Blonde bubbly Charlotte and Brunette dark perpetually angry Charlotte’
“Both are fairly self-explanatory.”
-AZH ’19
‘Douchey Josh and Less Douchey Josh’
“Both males named Josh. Both douchey, however, the second Josh being slightly less douchey.”
-CC ’18
‘David with the promiscuous girlfriend and David with tiger teeth’
“Two dashing males named David, one with a”
-AD ’16
‘JT’
“Classmate whose dashing good looks, suave, gelled brunette hair with blonde streaks are reminiscent of 90s Justin Timberlake’s Backstreet Boy Look.”
-AD ’16
‘Panama Canal’
“Due to how large the gap between his two front are, presumably the width of the Panama Canal.”
-AD ’16
‘Medusa’
“A bitchy young lass who’s acne-ridden face, temperament, and curly hair have granted her this title.”
-AD ’16
‘Sleezy McSleezebag’
“Due to his slimy, sketchy nature.”
-AD ’16’
‘Mexican Jesus’
“Because freshman year he had a pretty powerful mustache and long luscious Jesus-esque hair.”
-TL ’17
‘Stalker Girl with red lipstick’ (red-lipsticked stalker girl)
“Because she always wears this really bright lipstick and last term she was pretending to use her phone but was actually taking photos of me and my friends and we caught her! Saw them on her phone as we were walking by. And since that incident, I see her all the time and Facebook is always recommending her as a friend I should add, she’s everywhere.”
-TL ’17
‘Messiah Man’
“A Hanover resident and frequent jogger who’s long and seemingly wisdom-filled beard gives him the appearance of the Messiah himself, even more so when sighted behind a screen of early morning mist”
-CC ’15
Disclaimer
Identifiers are not cute names you call bae when no one’s around or nicknames you have bestowed on yourself in an attempt to make it a thing. It is not a thing.
So, in conclusion, have no shame. Identify on Dartmouth.