How to bring Dartmouth pong home for break

19’s, The frat ban’s been over for weeks now, and it’s safe to say quite a few of us have a new, preferred way to get slammed (pun intended).

With finals over and the lengthy winterim upon us, we finally have a chance to show off our school’s proudest pastime to our buddies back home…

But how?

For the eager 19’s and those elders who maybe just never got around to it, here’s what you’ll need to Rudyard Kipling that shit and give your friends the greatest gift they’ll receive this holiday season.

The Tab’s guide to Dartmouth pong beyond Hanover

First find a table

Duh…

If you’re going for a casual “oh let’s try this” game of darty pong at a party, a ping-pong table will do just fine. I tried this earlier this week with some friends, and it worked surprisingly well.

Because of the limited space, it’s definitely easiest to play singles shrub, but doubles can work if you coordinate well.

But if you’re going for a more accurate/long-term/professional pong setup at home, you’re gonna need to build your own regulation pong table. We gotchu.

Crash course on building a Dartmouth pong table:

1. Secure your wood – We play with 5’x10′ tables. It’s unlikely that your local Home Depot will have 5’x10′ plywood sheets available, so you’ll need to have one custom cut. This shouldn’t run you more than $40.
2. Decorate your wood – If you’re going for quality, we recommend starting with a coat of high quality latex primer. One gallon (Rust-Oleum Bulls Eye – $7) will easily cover both sides, sealing and protecting the wood from water damage. After that, just let your creative juices flow. Pick up some other colors to make it exciting, try some spray paint for a different feel. Combine it with stencils if you want ‘Banksy Chic’. If you can, throw a lone pine on there somewhere.
3. Protect your wood – The primer will help protect the table itself, but you’re gonna want a final layer of lacquer (Rust-Oleum Clear Lacquer -$10) to protect your top coats of paint and provide some added defense against spills.
4. Erect your wood – You’ll need to get that sucker off the ground if you’re gonna play, a little more than two feet to be vaguely exact. Here’s some ideas:

DIY mount for your pong table:

• Sawhorses
• Rubbermaid brute trash cans
• A smaller folding table (just rest yours on top)
• Custom bases (you can these build out of metal pipes, 2×4’s, etc.–if you’re ambitious enough to try this, you can probably figure it out yourself)

There you go, a regulation size Dartmouth pong table. Make sure it’ll fit in your basement before you commit to making one, that would suck if you did and it didn’t.

Procure paddles

Buy em on Amazon, buy em at Wal-Mart, whatever. To get that coveted, handle-less look:

1. Place the circular part flat on the edge of a table with the handle hanging off
2. Secure it with firm, downward pressure
3. Then ball up your fist and use leverage to snap off the handle by savagely banging it as hard as you can
4. Karate sound effects not necessary, but known to help.

Find a median

Literally (almost) anything long and thin lying around your house:

• 2×4
• Old skis
• Hockey sticks
• Broken floor lamps
• Broom handles

You’ve seen these around. Find something and place it across the middle of the table. This is an easy one.

Get your drank

• Water
• Beer
• Capri-sun
• IDGAF

You get the idea…

Time for tenacity

Whether you’re trying to convince your parents to let you build a table for the basement, or you’re just trying to convince your friends to give it a shot, chances are there’s going to be some resistance.

Your parents are probably (hopefully) hesitant to endorse drinking, and your friends are probably (definitely) reluctant to learn a more complicated version of what they know as beer pong.

In either situation, stand your ground and defend Dartmouth pong, everyone eventually realizes it’s the shit. Here’s some ideas:

To your parents:

“We’ll only play with water!”

“Just think of it as a super cool, school-spirited ping-pong table. I’m doing this for the whole family.”

“If I take a month long hiatus, there’s no way I’ll be good enough for masters.”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t play pong with your friends when you were on break. I’m just trying to play it correctly.”

To your friends:

“Don’t be a pussy.”

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We brought ping-pong and drinking together. We are the originators in a collegiate world of poor imitations. We are Pat’s in a world of crappy Philly cheese steaks.

Bringing our way of pong to the masses is no easy task, but you go to Dartmouth. Godspeed.