We’ve found the best dookie dungeons at Dartmouth

Let’s all be honest with ourselves for a second.  When you’re away from your dorm or house and you have the urge to go, it can be a bit of a dilemma.

Should I walk back to my room?  Is the bathroom here clean?  Will other people hear me, or even worse smell me?!

Very few people look forward to making bowl movements in public restrooms on campus.  Whether you want to admit it or not, this is a problem we all face regularly at Dartmouth.

The Tab has done extensive research and is here to help the Dartmouth community in their time of need.  We have found the all around best places on campus to do number two.

These are the diamonds of the rough of public restrooms…  Use this information to your advantage!

Collis/201 Lavatory

Tucked between Collis and the 201 room is what I’d call the “All American” bathroom. Well rounded across the board: nice lighting, frequently maintained, rarely used.

The bathroom compliments the 201 room where important people have meetings. Stop by to experience the pooping privileges that accompany influence and power.

There’s a rumor that Fisher Baker was actually just a really nervous pooper and built the library with the intention of creating the most private bathroom to have ever existed in the history of man.

Why else would he have built part of the library underground instead of just adding extra floors above?

You’re two stories below ground, so right from the get-go this place is providing an extra level of privacy you don’t come across in your everyday life.

If people are on the level, they’re all going to be studying on the end opposite from you wearing beats headphones or whatever else they got for Christmas. And between you and the stacks-B tryhards are at least 30 feet of bookshelves. Truly bliss.

The only issue is that the bathroom is a little cramped. Good things in little packages though, eh?

Hanover Inn

The hand towels in the first floor lavatory are most certainly the prized pig of the Hanover Inn. Otherwise the bathroom is incredibly nice – perfectly maintained, intricate design, very high stall doors – but that’s all stuff we’ve seen before.

The hand towels however, are something new. Soft and absorbent as a Puffs with lotion tissue, yet more durable than a paper towel. I save a few of these in my room for rainy days.

The D3N

Despite being of Dartmouth’s most luxurious and well-endowed student facilities, there are rarely more than one or two people in the DEN because of its obscure location, more remote and disconnected from the remainder of campus than even the Lodge.

It is open 24/7 and the shelves are stocked with free king size candy bars, coffee, and even freeze-dried ice cream?

Once you’ve crammed your face full of Redbull and Snickers and are ready to ready to start ploppin, you’ll get to visit a very highly funded organization’s very highly funded lavatory.

The bathroom at the DEN is almost the same as the one at the Hanover Inn, minus the expensive paper towels. While the DEN only offers plebeian hand towels though, it is also much more private than the Hanover Inn.

Honorable mention: Carson Underground’s Teacup Bathroom

The other restrooms mentioned in this article all off the user a great defecating experience. Carson Underground gets an honorable mention as the most unique bathroom experience.

The largest stall has its own sink and mirror inside the stall, and the mirror is positioned so that you can essentially watch yourself poop.

Interesting opportunity to see things from a different perspective.