OkCupid, your rankings are horseshit – are you sure you went to Harvard?

OkCupid is a free online dating site which claims to be the “best on earth”, with steamy insights into the intimate lives of students within “top” colleges.

The company, founded by two Harvard math majors, recently announced their ranking of the top 20 US schools.  Their “research”, gathered through questionable methods, yielded some sketchy results.

The ranking sorted schools based off Attractiveness, Writing, Sex Drive, and Partying

Anyone who knows anything at all about these schools will find these rankings nothing short of ridiculous, especially coming from Dartmouth.

We’ve broken down our thoughts for you:

Overall ranking – #12?

So, Dartmouth ranked 12th overall, tied in a competitive race with the Northwestern “Wild Hearts”, but who wouldn’t want that position on some backwater poll?

Partying – 7th!

Don’t worry kids, at least we ranked seventh for partying, only six places behind that infamous rage palace called Brown. They’re real party animals, truly wild at heart. With 58.6 percent of Brown students smoking marijuana and 91.1% that drink, it’s clear those liberal brownies are next level.

Who knew college kids drank and smoke that much? News to us. These kids in Dick’s house had NO idea!

It’s impossible to argue with this kind of data.  We should trust OkCupid’s expert analysis and just accept our ranking.

When you’re dealing with geniuses of this caliber dropping knowledge bombs on you like “71percent of students wait until at least the 3rd date before getting intimate”, there’s no room for rebuttal.

Of course we made sure to have two dates BEFORE that drunken hook-up.  Are you kidding?

Sex Drive – 19th?

Let’s not get too worried about Dartmouth’s appallingly low sex drive rating at 19th.  OKCupid clearly has a low standards for evaluating arousal.

Those horny Yale students place first with 44 percent of Bulldogs masturbating at least once a day.  If this is the gold standard for getting off, I’m ok with a low ranking.

What they are really saying is that 44 percent of students sat alone in their rooms, self-pleasuring regularly, not getting out enough and interacting with real humans.

But I guess that makes sense, after all OkCupid is in the dating business.

The fact that Dartmouth students masturbating less than any other top school is somehow a negative characteristic basically equates OkCupid to a bunch of 40-year old virgins.

News flash: having users that masturbate alone in their rooms means your product has failed.

Writing – 5th!

As a consolation prize OkCupid ranked us 5th in writing…word.

I mean that’s not a surprise when we have things like RWIT, mandatory writing seminars and the oldest college monopoly (newspaper) in the country.  All things considered, 5th isn’t much of a slap in the face.

Although even this ranking is suspect considering how OkCupid describes #2 Chicago’s academics: “they use big words at a reading level of 8.38.” Looks like academic rigor isn’t a new concept over there in Chi town.

Before you file that transfer app over to Chicago, here us out, it isn’t all great.

As one apt student who chose Dartmouth over Chicago put it: “I was going to go to Chicago until I visited, and then I realized that it was the place fun goes to die.”

It’s interesting that while OkCupid has Chicago as the 4th largest party and the pre-sex drive capital of the US, they also have the 2nd highest suicide- clearly a little too fun.

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Despite the fact that OkCupid was founded by two Harvard math majors, the fact that they are somehow correlating writing ability with masturbation statistics is a bit of a stretch – maybe that’s just me.

At the end of the day, we still can’t find any fucks to give about OkCupid or their bullshit ranking.