Cornellians reveal their worst hookup stories

I asked Cornellians about their worst hook-up experiences. After I managed to convince them that I was an amateur journalist and not some random creep, they stopped reaching for their pepper spray and bared their souls. Here are the best stories I heard.

Female, senior

In high school I had a ton of stuffed animals in my room. Whenever I had a guy over I would hide them in a closet in my living room. One day I decided that I was finally going to bring home this guy I really liked, so I had moved all my teddy bears and other assorted stuffed animals out of sight that morning. My little sister was mad at me—I forget why—so she decided to take revenge in the worst way possible. She took my entire collection of plush kittens and bears and unicorns and stashed them under my sheets. So while this hot guy and I were gearing up for the night of our lives, he opened the door of my room and saw a giant lump on my bed. He lifted the blankets and saw a pile of about 50 stuffed animals. Needless to say the mood was ruined.

Mind if we watch?

Male, junior

I was so angry about Trump actually having a chance to become president that I couldn’t get it up. 

Male, sophomore

Once I had a guy in my room and I was trying to seal the deal. I playfully asked him what his fantasy was. He said, without a trace of sarcasm, that it involved Ezra Cornell and Andrew Dickson White “letting go of their inhibitions” after a long night of working together on the founding of Cornell. It was the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life, but I couldn’t get it out of my head all night.

Perhaps A.D. and Ezra do more than shake hands when a virgin crosses the quad

Female, sophomore

I live in a co-ed house, and one of my male housemates is really into deer-hunting. One night I had brought home a guy and we were in the kitchen. My hunter housemate barges in with a dead deer slung over his shoulder. He slams the carcass on the kitchen counter and says to my prospective hook-up, “If you’re a real man, you’ll take a bite.” Obviously, the guy wanted to impress me, so he did. We still went up to my room later that night, but we were both so weirded out by what had just happened that it just felt awkward.

Male, sophomore

Through a series of events too complex to go into, I became sexiled from my own room even though I live in a single. The trouble was, there also happened to be a huge party at my house that night, so I couldn’t exactly crash on the living room couch. I normally don’t do hookups, but I really needed somewhere to sleep. So I went into heavy flirt mode until I eventually found myself in the bedroom of a girl I had just met. After a few minutes of awkward drunken shenanigans, an unfortunate sexual miscommunication resulted in the girl kicking me out of her room and onto the street. I ended up sleeping in Sage Chapel that night because it was the only building I could find that was open. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Jesus was judging me for what I had just done.

Sage Chapel welcomes us all, even the sexiled

 We’re often told to not be ashamed of sex. We should also remember not to take sex too seriously. Hopefully your own personal hook-up disaster (if you’ve ever had one) has gone from a source of embarrassment to a funny story you tell at parties.