Your definitive guide to every kind of Ivy League fuckboy

Keep your eyes open

A famous 17th Century courtesan once said: “The resistance of a woman to a man’s advances is not always a sign of virtue. Sometimes it’s just a sign of experience.” Today, that statement is just as true as it was 400 years ago. So here is a little guide to warn you and help you navigate through the exciting yet dangerous world of the Ivy League fuckboy.

Illustrations by Jessica Rose Jackson.

The Finance Bro

Extra-starched Vineyard Vines button down accompanied by the classic camel-colored or pastel shorts and Sperrys. He’s the guy who asks you (never before midnight) “u up?” and always answers texts five to six hours later. The Finance Bro is the guy who will mention that he is “socially liberal but fiscally conservative” in a political debate.

What he listens to: EDM.

What he’s reading: The Art of the Deal.

What he texts you: “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

The Student Athlete

He runs five miles every morning but still takes the elevator to the third floor. Used to being the popular kid in high school, he doesn’t understand why the kids who raise their hands in class get invited to more parties than him. When he’s not at practice, he enjoys bragging about the awesome hookup he had over the weekend (that didn’t actually happen).

What he listens to: Eminem and other white rappers.

What he’s reading: Reading?! Reading’s for *insert highly offensive term here*.

What he texts: “Hey, what are the answers for #1,2, 4 and 5 on the econ pset?”

The Pseudo Intellectual

When asked if he’s been in a relationship before, he’ll tell that he’s a free-spirited dissentient who doesn’t conform to the restrictive labels that society places on romance. What he doesn’t tell you is that he’s still a virgin. In his free time, he enjoys ranting about Greek love and shopping for messenger bags.

What he’s reading: The Sparknotes page for The Nicomachean Ethics.

What he listens to: Sufjan Stevens.

What he texts you: “Hey I know it’s late, but do you want to come over and talk about Plato with me?”

The international student with an apartment downtown

Always operating very smoothly, this guy was born flirting. Tod’s loafers are an absolute must. He will brag about his cosmopolitan upbringing and having taken the French baccalauréat. Can always be found smoking outside of the library.

What he listens to: The Rolling Stones, The Smiths and smooth jazz for the more intimate moments.

What he’s reading: Waiting for Godot.

What he texts you: “Meet me tonight for an aperitif?”

The Sad Artist

He always looks mildly disheveled, wears ripped jeans or cords and smells musky. He will tell you how many times he’s been to the Women’s March. The Sad Artist most likely does drugs and will certainly tell you when he does. He also attends the New York Film Festival and writes long posts about his life-changing experience.

What he listens to: Devendra Banhart and obscure sixties rock you definitely won’t have heard of.

What he’s reading: Anything by Walter Benjamin.

What he texts you: “Can u believe this mother fucker?! [Link to an article about Donald Trump and reproductive rights from a month ago].

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