A definitive guide to living at Columbia, based on dorm bathrooms

While I will always back Columbia – one thing I cannot get entirely behind is its bathrooms. Hair in the drain is just one of the many things we encounter on our adventure to the bathroom of our respective dorms. Waking up in the middle of the night having to pee is a challenge. You must always wear foot protection, and the use of long clothing is strongly discouraged. As a woman, you must learn to balance yourself above the toilet, using your arms, hands and wall as body support. You must also learn to master the “toilet paper seat-cover” protection method. (Usage of disinfecting wipes is strongly recommended.)

So, if you’re like me, and care about cleanliness (and possibly safety), fear not. Here is your ultimate guide to living at columbia, entirely based on dorm bathrooms.

Freshman dorms:

Carman Hall

Thirteen floors of pure bliss. For $7,928 a year, you get suite-style doubles and semi-private bathrooms you share with your suite-mates. You are blessed with AC as well as weekly bathroom cleaning. You might find yourself sometimes distressed by the quasi-prison-like decor, but to not panic, you can always patch it up with a nice zen tapestry or multiple family pictures.

John Jay Hall

Eleven floors of convenience. You live right above JJ’s and John Jay dining hall. For $7,928 a year you can opt for mostly singles but also some doubles and some shared single-use bathrooms. Beware the summer months as AC is not available. Also, bathrooms are cleaned daily Monday through Friday.

Sophomore and up:

600 W 113th (Nussbaum)

For $9,108 a year, enjoy six floors of suite-style accommodations. AC is not available but you are always welcome to descend to Nussbaum & Wu located directly underneath you, for a lavish and refreshing fruit smoothie. Bathrooms, looking absolutely magnificent are cleaned bi-weekly and are shared amongst your suite-mates.

McBain Hall

Here at McBain we are separated into two kinds of people in the eight floors we inhabit: the shafted and the non-shafted. The shafted have the curse of no available sunlight but the blessing of AC. The non-shafted enjoy the early rays of sunlight as well as the natural city heat on a beautiful summer day.

For $8,166 a year you get the epitome of the sophomore social dorm. Included in the package are shared single-use bathrooms (lacking ventilation) cleaned Monday through Friday because, of course, why would you need cleaning on weekends when students are extra-clean? And what a perfect place for the perfect private moment!

Broadway Hall

Eleven floors of privacy. For $8,166 a year, delight in single and double air conditioned rooms in the convenient corridor style arrangement. Bathrooms, cleaned Monday through Friday, are shared but separate for men and women. As its name indicates, this dorm is located on the corner of 114th St. and Broadway where you can be lucky enough to have a spectacular view. Perfect place for those searching for tranquility and alone-time.