‘It’s all in your head’: Depression changed the way I thought

Depression – it’s like the flu. You can treat it, but a new strand is likely to attack again. It’s an illness with symptoms that are easy to hide. All you have to do is put on a mask and no one will ever suspect a thing, but eventually all symptoms show.

I can remember feeling depressed from the ripe age of seven years old. Figuring it was normal, I went along for years not realizing my attraction to darkness was something that my peers didn’t share. When I finally did realize it, I felt like an outcast, despite the number of people around me.

I spent years with a feeling of shame lurking behind a mask I had given life to. “It’s just a phase” is what I often heard being whispered to others, so I held onto the hope that my happiness was on the horizon. Until then, I continued finding myself in a pit that slowly grew deeper.

In January of 2015, I decided to see a counselor in hopes of speeding through the “phase.” Since then, I’ve been hospitalized, given medication that made me feel like a zombie and tried countless methods of curing my illness —all to no avail. I often find myself in the same spot I was in before, but I’ve learned a lot in just a little over a year.

One: it’s not always just a phase, but it is in your head. Depression comes in all different shapes and sizes. Episodes can be triggered by a memory, season, trauma, or by nothing. They can last for moments or for what seems to be a lifetime. I’ve been told countless times that “it’s in my head,” and though it is true, it doesn’t mean that you should completely discount the thoughts you may be having.

Two: sometimes you need to get uncomfortable to get somewhere. There was a time when I found myself comfortable in my depression. The thoughts and feelings were so constant that I became afraid of finding myself in a better situation, just to end up back in that mindset. So I got comfortable with my depression, just letting it take over.

It wasn’t until I could no longer sleep that I realized I needed to get up and get help. Getting help can come from within or from resources offered to you. For me, exercise has always been something that has helped, so I joined my school’s Triathlon Club. Though I’m not the best on the team, it helps me focus.

I’ve also started seeing a therapist. Therapy isn’t something I openly agreed to. In fact, it wasn’t until I was told that I needed to do it that I did it. It’s definitely out of my comfort-zone, but it has been helping so far.

Three: no matter how alone you tell yourself you are, you’re not alone. There are over seven billion other lives on this planet, and though you will never come across each person or you may not win a Nobel-Peace Prize, your life matters.

If you have a family, you matter to them, no matter how much it seems like they may not care. If you have a pet, you matter to them. If you still can’t think about anyone, think about yourself. You need yourself to survive and if you let this illness take “you” away, then you’re letting yourself become weak.

Depression is like having a bully you can’t escape. It’s difficult to live with your mind fighting against you. If you are battling depression and find yourself not knowing left from right, know this: you are not weak.