Matthew Perry had everything, and that’s exactly what people misunderstand about addiction

*Content warning: This article discusses addiction and substance use*

Before he became known as Chandler Bing from Friends, Matthew Perry said a prayer to make a deal with the man upstairs: “God, you can do anything you want to me. Just please make me famous.”

As is shown in the new Netflix documentary The One About Matthew Perry, the actor would later make a joke out of this moment – a sort of ‘be careful what you wish for’ situation. 

Perry got what he wanted. He found fame, fortune, adoration across the globe, girlfriends, friends and family who loved him – and yet nothing made the addiction disappear. Perry grappled with his recovery right up until October 28, 2023, when he died at age 54 of the “acute effects” of ketamine.

Even to this day, I see comments online, accusing Perry of having a victim complex. He had everything a person could ever dream of, why couldn’t he just stop? 

I’ve struggled with this misconception ever since I first stepped foot in recovery. I have a job. I have family who love me. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge. But I can tell you that even the strongest love in the world couldn’t make me put the drink or drugs down. 

When I was younger, I consistently kept a list in my head of all the things I needed to fix the discomfort I felt within me. But with every passing moment, the discomfort grew – and I became more and more hopeless. 

I am maladjusted to life. As Perry so perfectly put it, “Reality is an acquired taste. I have had a great deal of time, a great deal of problems acquiring it.” Drink and drugs, it felt, fixed those problems – in reality, they were making it worse.

And that’s what I wish more people understood about addiction. It isn’t necessarily a reflection of how good or bad someone’s life looks from the outside.

Addiction isn’t as simple as choosing to stop

Arguably no moment in the Netflix documentary summed up this misconception greater than the clip from a 2013 episode of Newsnight. Perry went on to support a think tank proposal for expanding drug courts in the UK. 

An attendant in opposition to the idea was journalist Peter Hitchens, who made his contempt of the idea glaringly clear, describing the idea of addiction being a disease as “fantasy”. To him, it’s a personal choice and a moral responsibility.  

But willpower alone is far too simplistic. And trying to quit this way can be an incredibly painful way to live. There’s a saying in recovery: 1% drinking, 99% thinking. Putting down the drink or drugs is just the first step, but dealing with the head is a whole other beast. 

This isn’t just a matter of opinion. In a 2015 scientific review published in Cell, researchers Nora Volkow and Marisela Morales examined how repeated drug use can alter the brain’s reward, stress and self-control systems, making cravings harder to resist and everyday pleasures less satisfying.

Genetics, environment and life experiences also play a part. But reducing addiction to a lack of discipline ignores decades of scientific research. As Dr Lorenzo Leggio, a researcher at the US National Institutes of Health, puts it: “It’s not a moral failure.”

Of course, I can’t speak for everyone who has experienced this. I can only tell you what it felt like for me. Being in active addiction was like being in an isolated prison, where the only reprieve was when I was using or drinking. 

I tried everything to stop. Something I’ve done for decades is keep a diary with extensive lists of what needs to be done each day. Back when I was in active addiction, every Sunday I wrote out in bold letters for Monday: “NO MORE DRINKING” or “CUT DOWN ON [INSERT SUBSTANCE].”

But when Monday morning rolled around, I woke up with washing machine brain. Negative thoughts crowded my head and it felt like a physical pain, like there was a pit in my stomach. I couldn’t focus and the only solution was to pop to the offie and grab something to quiet my mind. I hated myself for it, but it felt like the only way to get through the day. 

I used to think working from home was the problem, and so I got an office job. I quickly realised – just as Perry did when he found fame – that the circumstance wasn’t the problem. I found myself stopping at the shops on the way and taking regular toilet breaks to keep myself topped up. 

So no, for me, willpower was never enough. But that’s not to say there’s zero choice in the matter. I had to make that choice to get well. And every single day, I have to keep making that choice not to pick up again. As Perry put it on Newsnight: “I’m in control of the first drink. And so I do all these things to protect myself from not having the first drink.”

Love can help, but it can’t cure addiction

Last but definitely not least is the misconception that love can cure addiction. Some of the biggest insights in The One About Matthew Perry come from his loved ones. No matter how hard his friends and family tried, he ultimately had to make the decision to recover for himself. 

As Perry’s sister, Mia Perry Bowick, perfectly puts it, “Our job isn’t to try to make the feeling go away. Our job is to sit with the person and allow them to have the feeling but not have to do it by themselves.”

That’s not to say love and support don’t help. They certainly make a huge difference to someone struggling with addiction, especially when it comes to making the terrifying first step: admitting that there’s a problem. 

But you can’t love someone into recovery. You can’t make the decision for them, however desperately you might want to. And it’s definitely not your fault. 

Getting to a point of this understanding can be very painful. Not only do I know this as a result of my own addiction, but also from losing people I love to it. I’ve spent time wondering what I could’ve done or said to convince them to stop. 

But I’ve come to realise through my own recovery that it was never something I could control. My love wasn’t worthless, in the same way others’ love wasn’t worthless to me. It’s just that addiction isn’t a simple case of having enough on the outside. 

And I don’t want any of this to sound hopeless. People really can and do recover. In fact, as of 2024, around 23.5 million adults in the US who’d struggled with alcohol or drugs said they were now in recovery or had recovered.

I too have been lucky enough to find recovery through the traditional 12 Step program. Today, I am five and a half years sober. 

And it certainly wasn’t a case of suddenly developing more willpower or finally getting what I thought I needed in life. What changed was that I was willing to accept the help and do things differently – even when I didn’t want to. 

To say life is perfect today would be a lie. I still have bad days and uncomfortable feelings. But I no longer have to reach for substances to get through them.

I wish Matthew Perry had been given more time. I wish the people I’ve lost had been given more time too.

But when people watch this documentary, I hope they come away with a better understanding about addiction. And that it doesn’t just disappear because someone has enough money, success or people who love them.

If you or someone you love is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, confidential support is available. In the US, visit FindTreatment.gov or call SAMHSA’s free, 24-hour National Helpline on 1-800-662-HELP (4357). In the UK, call FRANK on 0300 123 6600 for free, confidential advice, available 24/7.

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Featured image credit: Netflix