Learning through loss: How I dealt with grief at UMiami

Grieving is something people are not prepared for in any stage of life, especially in college. We are in a bubble of textbooks, social events, career fairs, new relationships and growth. We are, thankfully, rarely concerned about death.

The passing of our dear Adam Levine has changed that mentality for many on campus, including myself.

Adam and I – Adam was one of the Program Coordinators for Freshman Leadership Council and acted as a team builder, comic relief and friend for the Council and me

The loss of Adam’s fresh, insightful, eccentric personality, warm greetings, sassy comments, intense dedication and friendship has been heavily felt since his passing on Friday, March 18, 2016. Adam’s leadership involvement in both Greek life and student government impacted countless students and his memory lives on in the hearts of many students.

Adam’s death is the second loss I have experienced this year. Mourning the life of one of my family members, then mentors, was not something I saw happening to me during the course of my freshman year. Away from home, inexperienced with loss and troubled by the question of “why,” I have begun to reflect on death and how to live a full life.

How do we continue to move forward without people we love? This age-old question is difficult to answer. You cannot forget people you love, you cannot suppress every memory, you cannot “move on” without strings—and why would you want to anyway?

People say there are five stages of grieving, first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. The stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. Each person spends differing amounts of time in each stage with differing levels of intensity. The stages do not occur in a specific order and one may jump between different stages multiple times before finally coming to the relieving stage of “acceptance.”

With coursework, deadlines, projects, work and everything else that fills up our plates, I’ve found it challenging to take the time to just be and grieve. The college environment rarely promotes silence and intentional reflection, but it is necessary. When there is so much to process, when there are strong emotions and questions, it is best to be honest with yourself and deal with your thoughts and feelings instead of having them burden you or come to attack you later. The university provides free resources to help with the grieving process, such as the Counseling Center and I’ve additionally found the sentiment “Canes care for Canes” to be especially true during times of loss. Clubs, friends, and mentors have been present to help me, especially when I’ve asked.

While figuring out how to move forward, Adam’s death has made me focus more on life than on death. Sitting at his vigil, small drops of water drizzling from the sky, shoulder to shoulder with my Freshman Leadership Council peers, and holding small, white candles I sat and listened to the ways Adam impacted lives and visibly saw the patio crowded with people coming to honor his life. Not only were there tears, but smiling, laughter and joy in remembering who Adam was and is to so many people. His life, although cut short too soon, was powerful, beautiful, and meaningful. Looking around as the crowd was in silence, staring at a sea of lit candles, I wondered, “How can I change my life to make an impact like Adam?”

When we grieve, we think of the good, the bad, the heartbreaking, the joyful. We think of the past and we think of the future. Adam’s life will continue to live on in the heart of UM and its students. We have to embrace this time as a period where we get to honor Adam, mourn honestly, reflect deeply on our own lives and make positive changes for our futures.