An ode to Berkeley Goggles
And all the mistakes we make because of them
It’s that time of year again: Oski is delivering flowers with hand written notes, singing fraternity boys belt out Valentine telegrams, and you’re somewhere in the middle of it all, alone as hell.
Being single in Berkeley can be miserable; one of your roommates is blissfully in love, another is optimistic about a date tonight, and the last is in a committed relationship with her textbook. Sometimes it feels like nothing will get you through, but you’re wrong.
There’s one thing that always works, and it’s better than ice cream, pizza or copious amounts of alcohol: Berkeley goggles.
Won’t be needing this
Or even this
Here’s why they’re just what you need for this spring fever:
Every 3 turns into a 10
People claim Berkeley goggles are a myth, but then how come every time you travel literally anywhere else, the amount of beautiful, unattainable people multiplies? Easy: it’s not a myth, people.
If you spend a long enough time in Berkeley without crossing so much as Shattuck – let alone the Bay Bridge – every pedestrian, biker, and skateboarder looks like someone on America’s Next Top Model. Swears.
Look at all these 10s
The pond of fish turns into an ocean
Hand in hand with the last; when everyone looks worth it, the number of people worth it goes waaaay up. It’s blessed.
You’ll excel in both matters of math and love
It’s common knowledge that half of the magic of Berkeley goggles is that most of us are just too busy with school to even look up from organic chemistry into the eyes of our future significant other. But when you take into account that all the former 3’s in your ocean of love are worth taking a chance on, you’ll see that even studying can turn into a date.
Just waiting to find love
Your mom won’t sound so disappointed on the phone
Now, not only will you be thriving (sort of) in school work, you’ll have some semblance of a love life to speak of. Mom’s weekly calls can be as hard to get through as multi-variable calculus, especially when she wants to know when the grandchildren are coming. (Get a grip though, mom, I’m 21.)
And, when insert family member here asks you for the millionth time at a gathering why you didn’t bring a cute date, you can roll your eyes and say, “oh they’re busy today, but don’t worry, next time!”
Aunt Petunia can be super annoying, but at least now she’ll be off your back.
You can join the meaningless, consumer-driven Hallmark holiday family
By far the most promising benefit of Berkeley goggles is that for once, you won’t be sitting on the couch crying over the latest Hallmark Movie that is undoubtedly awful (but then why can’t you get a man like him who spouts those corny lines?) and throwing chocolates at the TV because you’re sure you’re going to die alone.
No, this year, you can do the same thing, with someone sitting next to you. Because even though you hate hate hate Valentine’s day and the idea that it perpetuates the concept of being romantic 1/365 days of the year, well, the truth is, you kinda love it too.
A real live image of how I’m spending valentine’s day
So go out and put those goggles on tonight; maybe next year you’ll thank yourself.