The stages of getting drunk for the first time ever

Here’s what happens when you get drunk for the first time

Have you always been the black sheep in your family for not wanting to drink? Coming from a Wisconsin town full of cheese heads and too much beer, you’re definitely the oddball if you stay away from alcohol.

It’s okay if you never drank in high school, or haven’t been more than a little buzzed in college.

Here’s what happens if you decide, for “educational” purposes, to find out what it’s like to be drunk for the first time. So, grab a bottle of Peach Burnett’s, pull up a Netflix comedy, and settle down for an evening of alcohol.edu.

Stage one: Pick your poison

Pick booze that’s 1) cheap, and 2) won’t make you throw up (aka doesn’t taste like hand-sanitizer). Burnett’s is a safe choice.

It’s good to start by mixing it with something like pop or fruit juice. If you don’t know how much is enough for a mixed drink, anything more than five seconds of pouring for a half a bottle of Sprite is probably too much: it might taste more like vodka than pop.

After a mixed drink you may start to feel a little tipsy. Pro-tip: don’t decide to sip vodka out of the bottle. This is not a good idea.

Stage two: Go slower than you think you’ll need to

After about a half hour, you shouldn’t need to have more than four shots worth before you will feel it. If you shake your head back and forth you’ll probably think you can feel the weight of your brains. It’s crazy, but don’t freak out. 

By this point, you’ve probably had enough and should just enjoy the effects. Be especially careful climbing down from any lofts or just walking in general. It will feel like your rib cage is heating up, and it might be difficult to get your feet to go where you want them.

State three: The giggles

By this point, everything will be damn funny, you will erupt in fits of laughter. You might find yourself saying things like “your fingers are McDonald’s sausages,” “my burps taste like drunk monkeys,” or “I have a doughnut belly.”

Stage four: Pay attention to how you’re feeling

Soon after this giggly high, you might start to feel pretty yucky. If so, lie down. Your stomach might start to churn, and you could begin to feel really dizzy.

If this happens you probably drank too much too fast, which is easy to do. Go slow and listen to your body.

Stage five: Only you can decide

When all was said and done, you might decide that drinking is not for you. If you think you can enjoy being sober just as much, that is totally okay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

If you loved it and want to try it again, be careful, and enjoy the giggles.

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University of Wisconsin