Why college parties are the literal worst

I know I attend the number one party school in the number one binge-drinking state, so why don’t I enjoy college parties? For a while I blamed it on drinking, then it was poor social skills, but I’ve come to realize there are multiple reasons for why parties are simply not enjoyable.

First of all, party planning is stressful and unreliable. I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to wander around Langdon Street texting a bagillion frat boys trying to find out which one will let me in. Sure, people will say they’re going out on Friday, but do they know where? No, and they won’t know until they get that oh-so-valuable text with an address at 11pm.

Secondly, I don’t know what is fun about these parties. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to fall in love with jumping up and down while trying not to spill a drink, but I just don’t see the appeal. After spending a while in the middle of crying, screaming, falling over bodies, I just feel like I’m at a grown-up Chuck E. Cheese’s and there’s not enough raffle tickets.

On a more personal level, I am super self conscious, so going to parties and seeing all these beautiful badger ladies who can somehow stay warm AND beautiful in literally just a large t-shirt makes me feel inferior. I mean, have you seen those girls with hair that magically flows out of their face? Yeah, I’m over here panting while mine sticks to the beads of sweat on my forehead.

Oh, but it’s good networking, you say. Sure, if shouting over Bon Jovi at 1am is how you have meaningful conversations, that’s cool. Personally, I would rather sit down at a coffee shop with a sober man of my dreams than kiss a prince before learning his favorite color, or his major, or his name.

Lastly, I just never learned how to grind, (someone teach me . . . please).