An honest college application to William and Mary

Dear W&M Admissions Office,

How much do I really have to know about Thomas Jefferson? I know he’s all anyone talks about on campus tours (you’re really giving Monroe and Tyler the short end of the stick, if you ask me), but I may have not been paying attention in my history class when we went over presidents. You see, U.S. history was always right after lunch, so I was always pretty sleepy from all that digestion, and my teacher wasn’t the most observant, so I may have napped from Washington to Van Buren.

Did you notice my fact about digestion? You must think I’m so smart now, since I can so effortlessly drop biology facts into casual conversation. I really don’t know anything else about digestion, so please include that in the list of things not to ask me along with Jefferson facts.

I really want to go to your college. Busch Gardens isn’t too far away, you bring dogs into the library during finals week, it’s a beautiful campus. The only thing you’re lacking on for me is the food. I’ve heard it isn’t the best. With a reputation for hard classes and only okay food, you’re really making this decision difficult. Can’t we just have a Chick-fil-a instead of a dining hall? I think you should really consider that.

With the sacrifice I’m making for dining hall food instead of Chick-fil-a, you should really give me a full scholarship here. I know I’m not enough of a genius to actually earn that kind of money, but I am paying you thousands of dollars for no chicken nuggets.

My letter is rambling at this point. I already applied to five other colleges today, so I’m just kind of winging it here. Everyone’s so vague about how to write for college applications – some people say to keep it casual, and others to write a very formal five paragraph essay. W&M doesn’t seem like the place for something too formal and fancy, so I figure it’s alright to keep talking about Jefferson and Chick-fil-a, even though my English teacher keeps saying this isn’t what he meant by casual.

Can you believe I’m doing this a week before the deadline? My parents were freaking out when I said I would just do it the night before, so I’m being forced to type them all up now. If I go to your college, I will probably do every single assignment the night before it’s due, but please be impressed by my diligence when you read this letter because I’m doing it with so many days left to spare.

To sum up (my English teacher said transition words are important!), please accept me to your college. After writing this letter, I realize I’m probably not the most qualified applicant. But when I toured your school, I fell in love. So please accept me for the class of 2021, and please replace your dining hall with a Chick-fil-a.

Your Newest Member of the Tribe,

Kate Taylor