Trump won. No, I’m not okay

As a young woman of color, I’m terrified

Eight years ago, my brother, uncle, father, mother and I all crowded around the small TV in my parents’ room. Everyone in the country watched the news in hopes we would or wouldn’t finally have a black president. My family was no exception.

“Barack Obama has won the presidency,” or something to that effect, said an anchor on the TV. Excitement spread across our faces. My parents were calm and quiet, but I could tell they were happy. My uncle was outwardly excited – “We made history today,” he said.

But I didn’t get that excited. A black president is cool, but we were bound to have one eventually anyway, right? I couldn’t wrap my head around why everyone was so emotional.

That was eight years ago.

Back then I hadn’t experienced any real form of racism. The only kind I encountered was in the stories I read. Back then I didn’t understand homophobia because it seemed like a trend in Newport News to have a fluid sexuality. It was like a right of passage for every girl going to high school to become bi for a year or two. A right of passage I never participated in, but still, it wasn’t taboo. Back then I never had to deal with white supremacy or misogynistic men. If I did experience these situations, I wasn’t aware.

But I’m aware now.

In those eight years, I have discovered the hate in this world, more specifically, in this country. I have experienced outward racists, hypocritical homophobes, a variety of white supremacists and a sh*t ton of misogynists. Many of these I have experienced just in the last few months, during Trump’s campaign and subsequent win.

It took me a while to process the news. I’m usually quick to say something on social media, but it was different this time. At first I thought it was a joke. I woke up at 3am and opened Snapchat. There was a geofilter casting the final votes and it said Trump won. I told myself it was a prank and I went back to sleep. Four hours later, I opened Instagram and there were memes of Trump winning.

“This can’t be right. No, no they wouldn’t do this,” I thought to myself.

I opened Facebook.

“Nah, y’all playing, this man did not win.”

I went to CNN.

No words.

My father called to let me know.

“I guess it’s real, it’s not a joke. He’s really president.”

Suddenly the bottle of 1800 on my counter looked incredibly thirst quenching at 7am.

I spent the day in a haze and in utter disbelief. I was asked how I felt about the election. I didn’t know how to answer the question. In my head I was thinking, “Well, I’m a female AND I’m a person of color. How do you think I feel?” But instead I shrugged and said, “I have no words.”

I spent the day looking through social media and seeing all my internet friends posting about one side or the other. Then I started getting angry. Really angry. I saw people who I thought were friends posting their support for Trump. I saw riots breaking out on college campuses. I saw people choosing to completely ignore the tragedy by posting about love and other happy things. And I saw people telling me how to feel.

“Spread love not hate.” “Don’t unfriend people just because you don’t agree.” “It won’t be so bad.”

I was overwhelmed. After six hours at work I got in my car and cried.

No. I sobbed, like a child having a tantrum. It was like all the emotions I couldn’t identify just poured out of my eyes. And I didn’t know why.

Thinking about it now, I realize why I broke down – I’m hurt and scared. Those are the underlying emotions, though anger, disdain and disappointment are layered on top. I am so hurt by the people who voted for him. And I am scared that this man portrays the thoughts of the majority of Americans. I knew were weren’t as progressive as we like to brag, but I didn’t think we were this far behind. How could a country who elected a black man twice, elect a man like Trump? I won’t go into all the things about him that are terrifying (his court date is this month for sexual assault, btw). I kept thinking to myself, “How could anyone in their right mind vote for him?” But maybe the majority of the country isn’t in their right minds.

That’s scary.

A vote for Trump was a vote for hate and everyone knew it and I don’t understand why or how anyone could stick him on their fellow Americans.

This election was, and continues to be, hands-down one of the most stressful events I have experienced during my short 21 years on this planet.

I hoped and prayed that we would make the right choice. I prayed that we would not vote for a monster. A man who has said the things he’s said and done the things he’s done, all centered in arrogance, prejudice and hate. I prayed that we would not waste our vote on a third party. Yes, the two-party system is extremely flawed and we need a change, but this election was too crucial to perform this protest. And I prayed that we would exercise our right to vote instead of complaining about a system we cannot change unless we vote. My prayers were not answered.

All I can do now is pray that the next four years won’t be as awful as I predict them to be. I pray that we will be better and do better in 2020. I pray that all the minorities, people in the LGBT community and my fellow women won’t be hurt too much. And above all, I pray that Trump won’t do irreparable harm.

God bless us for the next four years because the future is so unsure. Until then, for the next two months, my president is still black.

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