I was 12 when I was a victim of sexual assault

Vanderbilt University is no stranger to sexual assault. There are sexual assault alerts from VUPD at least once every two months and just three years ago, the Vanderbilt football team came under fire for being involved in a major rape case. Statistically speaking, one in five women are likely victims of sexual assault by the end of their four years in college.

Power-based violence of a sexual nature is a sensitive topic, particularly for those who have experienced it firsthand. For those of us who haven’t, it’s difficult to truly empathize and understand the emotional and psychological consequences of being the victim of such a thing.

In an attempt to gain a more objective view, I decided to interview one such victim, who wishes to remain anonymous. It is her hope, as well as my own, that this interview sparks much-needed dialogue and sheds light on an issue that doesn’t get nearly enough attention as it should.

This is her story:

I understand you are a victim of sexual assault. Is there any background information you think is important to know before we go any further?

I think it’s important to know that I was pretty young, and by young I mean 12.

I didn’t know much about consent or anything like that, but now I have a much better idea. At the time, I didn’t really know what was going on in general. That’s pretty much the gist of it.

How would you personally define sexual assault?

I think it’s an intrusive act used by people of power, and also the absence of consent. And I think it can definitely be categorized as power-based violence.

Did you have any misconceptions about sexual assault before you experienced it yourself?

I mean, I understood the significance of saying “no” because of all the peer pressure lessons that I learned in middle school. But no, I didn’t know enough about the subject to be familiar with any misconceptions.

I didn’t understand the semantics of it or the details. I just knew that what had happened was not okay.

That being said, is it safe to assume you support the idea of raising awareness of these issues earlier on in order to educate and inform young kids?

Like healthy behaviors lessons? Definitely. I feel like I would have been in a much better place had I been exposed to that kind of thing earlier. I think people forget that young girls are often the victims, and we don’t really learn to be cautious enough until we get to high school.

Young girls are frequently taught that they should be under the power and protection of men, that they are less significant than men, and that they shouldn’t be in the way, but I think early education on the ideas of equality is essential for safer environments.

What do you think are some common misconceptions regarding sexual assault? Can you set some of the facts straight?

I think one of the most common misconceptions is that it’s always rape. It’s not always rape. There are several degrees of sexual assault, but that doesn’t mean that anyone is any less of a victim. And I think – especially at frat parties, which happen here a lot – even just grabbing someone without consent is not okay.

It has a lot to do with misogyny, and I think that just laughing or flirting is often construed as consent, which it shouldn’t be. I think a lot of it stems from males in positions of power who view women as prizes or trophies.

In general, I don’t think going out with the intention of hooking up with somebody is the best idea because there are people who think just laughing and being friendly is an indicator of consent, but it’s not.

What were some of the struggles you faced after the fact, and towards which of those do you think the general public should learn to be more sensitive?

There were so many. I started to self-harm. I was very socially disengaged. My dad had no idea it even happened and he still doesn’t know, and I still feel the strain in our relationship.

When my mom found out, I got in a lot of trouble because she blamed me, so I think it’s very important not to blame the victim. She told me I wasn’t allowed to wear necklaces anymore.

I don’t even know why, I guess it drew attention to that area, but even so, things like necklaces or clothes that may or may not draw attention to certain areas don’t make sexual assault the victim’s fault. I remember the entire school found out, partly because I slapped the dude the next day and we both ended up getting suspended.

Everyone talked shit the entire day, so there was a lot of talk, most of which was in his defense. In seventh grade, no one knew much of anything related to sexual assault, so I was accused of coercing him. I know I’ve emphasized this a lot already, but it’s so important not to blame the victim.

Did coming forward with your experiences provide you with closure? If so, how?

The only time I’ve ever come forward was when I posted my story to Instagram, and in a way I guess that only provided some social closure from the people who were talking about it towards the time it happened. After everyone found out, everything basically fizzled out a week later and people forgot about it.  

Posting it to Instagram was my way of saying, like, “Hey, I’m okay 6 years later in case you were wondering.”

I don’t think it personally helped me make peace with it because the people who knew about it back then didn’t really understand what had happened and never offered any kind of support or even asked if I was okay. So I guess I was able to get some sort of closure from them, but not from him.

Would you say you’re still trying to gain closure at this point or have you put the experience away? Are you still trying to reconcile with the incident?

I mean, I would say I’m over it, but sometimes I think back to it and panic. In that regard, I definitely still want some closure – I want to be able to say I’m stronger because of it and that the experience, in a way, helped me grow.

Can other people’s attitudes towards knowledge of your experiences possibly help and contribute to you coming to peace with what happened, or has it been more of a personal journey?

I tend to overanalyze a lot so if people ask things and say things to me with the goal of making me feel better, I go on the defensive and be like, “Oh, are you trying to make me feel better?”

I don’t know, I feel like it should really be more of a personal journey and I don’t know how other people would be able to help you through that. I really like to write and whenever I write in my journal I automatically feel better, so I think it really should be like your own journey in that you find your own method of coping.

We’ve been seeing a lot of activity on social media regarding Ke$ha’s court case, and just the other day Lady Gaga put on an incredibly moving performance at the Oscars alongside several sexual assault victims.

Do you have anything you want to say in regards to how people can help in raising awareness of sexual assault and its prevalence?

A lot of people I know from my hometown advocate for people who have been victims of sexual assault via platforms like Facebook, but I feel like that’s not really the case in Nashville. I think advocates should continue spreading social awareness like they have been, and calling out instances of misogyny and rape culture.

Here, I get a strong sense of finger pointing and victimizing, so I think it’s important for those in power to stand up for those without. The same applies to issues of racism and systematic inequality. I think those in power are typically those responsible for these instances of sexual assault, so those who fight against it shouldn’t be just people experiencing oppression.

There needs to be a push towards de-stigmatizing victimhood, which can be achieved through social media. I’m sure a lot of the time people just scroll past that kind of stuff and think, “Oh, it’s just another ‘feminazi’ thing,” which is why I think support from white males and other people in positions of power could go a long way in raising awareness.

Do you have any advice to offer those struggling with the aftermath of sexual assault?

Definitely get help. I would highly recommend therapy because a lot of people think they can handle it on their own when they can’t, myself included. And also if you end up going to therapy, don’t lie. Lying doesn’t achieve anything and will ultimately make you feel worse. I would suggest finding some way of getting your voice out there, but if people are dismissive, find the people who want to listen.

Talking about it, even if you’re just spewing out random words and feelings, can help immensely. I think it’s crucial to remind yourself of the fact that you are loved, you are important, and you are not responsible for what happened to you; you are worth more than your scars because you alone are capable of healing them. I know everyone says that, but I do think it’s important to remind yourself that you’re worth something.

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We thank the brave young woman who graciously agreed to do this interview. It could not have been easy to relive such an incident, and for that we commend her strength.

If you are acquainted with anyone who has struggled or still struggles with sexual assault, please remind them that they are backed with an extensive network of love and support.

Below are some helpful emergency resources for those concerned for others and themselves in the event of a sexual assault:

Vanderbilt University Police Department (Emergency): (615) 421-1911

Vanderbilt University Police Department (Non-Emergency): (615) 322-2745

Vanderbilt University Project Safe Center: (615) 322-SAFE

Vanderbilt University Psychological & Counseling Center: (615) 322-2571

National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline: (800) 656-HOPE