Bulimia almost ruined my life

Is it your roommate? That person you sit next to in class? Your best friend?

We all know the stresses of Vanderbilt aren’t always easy to manage. School, extracurriculars, finding a job, working the social scene — life here can become overwhelming.

Many of us probably know someone who has tried to cope by succumbing to an eating disorder. For those who haven’t suffered from an eating disorder, the disease can be incredibly hard to understand – especially because eating disorders are notoriously taboo subjects for discussion.

But I talked to one student who wanted to share their experience battling an eating disorder to help others understand and avoid them: Sam’s experience is captivating.

This is her story: “Many people say that having an eating disorder is a method of feeling in control. But for me it was completely the opposite.

“My sophomore year of college I became bulimic. I was restricting my food intake, causing my body to massively crave food. I would find myself going to the grocery store or a fast food restaurant at 11:00 pm, eating pounds of food, and then forcing myself to throw up in an alley outside of my dorm so that my roommates wouldn’t hear me.

“I got pneumonia from all of the crud passing the wrong way back up through my esophagus, yet I couldn’t stop binging and purging. I couldn’t go out for meals with my friends because I knew I would have to throw up and they might discover my secret. I preferred to spend all of my time alone because I knew multiple times a day I would have to binge and purge, and it was just easier if I was at home. Soon, I just avoided people altogether.

“Food ruled my life.”

“My self-worth was at an all-time low. I hated myself for my bulimia, but the stress only made me feel the need to throw up more. I felt like I deserved to hurt myself. My mind was constantly fixated on food, what food I would make, what food I would eat, and planning where and when my next binge would be. But I was in denial that I actually had a problem.

“After about eight months, when my weight loss was pretty apparent and my unhappiness entirely evident, one friend came to me and offered to take me to a psychologist. That person does not realize how they changed my life.

“I initially tried throwing up to lose weight because it made too much sense: I could eat everything I wanted and not gain a pound. But they don’t tell you that throwing up is addictive. They don’t tell you how sad it makes you. They don’t tell you about how your hair falls out. They don’t tell you about the friends you lose. They don’t tell you about the secrets you have to keep.

“As much as I tried to convince myself that I could stop on my own, I couldn’t. But thanks to a couple of close friends, life now is thousands of times better than it was two years ago. I can fight the compulsion to fall into the vicious cycle of my past. I’ve learned how to eat and enjoy food again, and I finally feel like a normal person.

“Life is good y’all. Sometimes, you just need to be brave enough to ask for a little bit of help.”

The Vanderbilt Psychological Counseling Center.

Sadly, Sam’s experience is not uncommon. According to a different Sam: “Eating disorders foster the social withdrawal and sense of disconnection in which they thrive. They typically operate under a cloak of secrecy and their victims deny that they have a disease. The intense and pervasive shame both causes and is caused by the eating disorder. Eating disorders cause a sad and hollow existence.”

For the sake of anyone struggling with bulimia, please reach out to the PCC. Rather than ostracizing a friend struggling with an eating disorder because you don’t understand why it’s happening, try to find them a source of help. You don’t know how much it will mean to them.

This week is Eating Disorder Awareness week. Eating disorders suck. Let’s talk about it.

More
Vanderbilt