Inside the mind of an eating disorder and how I got to the other side

The world seems to want women to be small. Being shorter than your boyfriend is cute, that way he can look down at you when you kiss. Having a gentle, soft-spoken voice makes you seem approachable and sweet, that way the more important people in the room can have their voices heard more easily.

Most important of all: being skinny is what perfection looks like. Clothes will look better on you and you’ll feel more confident.

I’ve always considered myself pretty resilient when it comes to ignoring social pressure and doing my own thing. But when it came to food and the way I looked, not so much. When I was a freshman in high school and the expectation to excel academically and socially starting pressing down a bit harder on me, I needed help for the first time in my life. I sought a convenient way to take back the control of my life that I felt was slipping through my fingers. So, I started eating less.

I was convinced, as too many of us are, that being skinny was the secret to success. I was certain that even if my life was spinning out of control, being thin would make me feel great.

I loved taking pictures because I thought my body finally looked like the photoshopped ones I’d seen in magazines my whole life. I thought I finally looked perfect, but as you can see from these pictures, my concept of perfection was pretty messed up.

For no particular reason, I’ve kept journals for most of my life. I just like to write. The other day, I looked through some of my old journals from freshman year. When I wrote most of the journal excerpts below, I weighed about 95 lbs and ate less than half of my recommended daily intake. You could count all of my ribs just by looking at me, and when I sat down, my tailbone always hurt because there was no fat to keep it from hitting against the chair.

I’d always thought, as many girls unfortunately do, that if you’re skinny, you must be happy. But at this time in my life, I had never felt more weak, lifeless, and sad:

My entries all read the same: “Tomorrow I think I should fast a bit. I feel very fat and I’ve eaten very poorly today. But tomorrow’s a new day.”

“With thin legs, I’ll be able to conquer the world.”

“Today I do not feel good about myself. When I look in the mirror I see a pretty girl with tears in her eyes.”

“Nothing ruins your opinion of yourself more than when someone tells you to eat less.”

Eating disorders can go pretty well unseen, but it doesn’t mean they’re not tearing apart the lives of plenty of intelligent and compassionate people around us as we speak.

I’ve been asked what I do differently now that I’m healthy again and my bones no longer stick out. I had to learn the hard way that to feel good, you have to love yourself.

At times, the world will try to tell you that you’re small and insignificant, but you don’t have to listen. You deserve to eat until you’re full and give your body and mind the energy that they need to thrive. You’re worthy of being strong and muscular, even if it means you won’t look like one of the models on the cover of Vogue.

You’re entitled to taking up a little more physical space in the world because you’re incredibly important and you’re allowed to make an impact.

Before overcoming an eating disorder, I never knew that you get to decide how you’d like to feel about yourself. If you want to let the world convince you that you’re not good enough, that’s one way to go. 

But if you want to feel strong, powerful and full of life every day, you absolutely can. Besides, having skinny legs and a flat stomach is not nearly as beautiful as having passion, conviction, and something to live for.

Just the other day, my best friend asked me why I’m vegan. To most people, I’ll reply with something like, “It’s the healthiest way to fuel yourself,” or “I’m doing my part to combat animal cruelty.” But to my best friend, I told her what really motivates me. Veganism is what saved me from disordered eating.

When I found myself trying to gain weight, but having no idea how to do so without binging on tubs of ice cream or peanut butter and feeling terrible afterwards, I stumbled upon a YouTuber named Freelee the Banana Girl. She is leading a movement which promotes high-carb low-fat veganism as a means for recovery.

She spent her young life cycling between anorexia, bulimia, drug-abuse, and addiction and now eats fruits and veggies in abundance instead. What I learned about veganism through Freelee is that when you’re eating plant-based foods, you can forget about counting calories. She liberated me from a torturous task that absorbed so much of my time and energy in the past.

When you’re eating fruits, grains, and veggies, you get to eat in endless amounts until you’re absolutely stuffed. Once you’ve started to fuel your body with simple foods that are easy to digest, your body starts to put that extra energy towards healing itself.

When I started eating the way Freelee eats, two liters of banana smoothies in the morning, a massive plate of spinach, beans, and steamed potatoes for lunch, and a few massive bowls of pasta for dinner, I felt for the first time what it’s like to be completely alive.

I will never have to obsess about whether or not I ate too much or if the dinner I had last night is going to go straight to my thighs. Instead, I get to look in the mirror every morning and see my skin glow brighter than it did the day before. My hair has grown in thicker and shinier. Now I can run for miles with a smile on my face because of all of this newfound energy I have.

If you have ever struggled with disordered eating, you’re sick of calorie restriction, or you’re just curious what it feels like to have boundless energy 24/7, I urge you to watch a few of her videos. She changed my life, and she can certainly change yours.

In honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, share this article with whomever you can. You never know who is struggling and the power you have to help them. Stay full, and stay healthy, my friends!