How to be a vegan at Vandy

If you’re looking for a lifestyle that will improve your heart function, clear your skin of acne, strengthen your hair, improve mental clarity, eliminate depression, raise energy levels, ease digestion, build up your immune system, and promote weight loss, all while cleaning up the environment and discouraging animal cruelty, the plant-based vegan diet is unequivocally the way to go.

If you’re also looking for a diet that will annoy your friends, creep out your roommates, confuse dining hall staff, and convince strangers that you’re “one of those tree-hugging wannabe hipsters,” look no further than veganism.

Maximize the meal swipe

Your days of using your meal swipe to get a banana, Sprite, cupcake and pathetic excuse for a salad are over. You should hardly be able to lift your tray by the time you’re ready to pay. When you’re vegan, you get to enjoy the curse and blessing of having to eat more because your food sources are less calorie-dense than the gravy-covered strips of bacon your friends are eating.

The blessing is that you get to eat more. The curse is that your meal plan will undoubtedly limit you in your attempts to do so. This does not mean, however, that it is impossible to load in the calories. My go-to Commons meal is usually two sweet potatoes, a side of white rice, side salad mainly consisting of edamame and some spinach, and maybe an orange if I’m looking to splurge. Just think like a pubescent boy who just got home from football practice and eat until you can’t feel your face.

Get ready for everyone to make fun of you

I was prepared for my friends to laugh at me. What else are friends for if not to criticize you while you try to improve yourself?

What I did not prepare myself for, however, was for the dining hall staff to heckle my food choices, too. Apparently ordering two sweet potatoes along with two sides of oatmeal is not socially acceptable.

Come up with an answer to the question: ‘Where do you get your protein?’

Unless you’re planning on going off the grid and eating every meal in the comfort of your own dorm room to avoid people pestering you, you will certainly be asked this question once or twice. Think of something along the lines of “I eat about 6 pounds of chickpeas daily. Calm down.”

“I filter protein out of the air and absorb it through my pores. You don’t?” or “I’ve learned to photosynthesize so I don’t need protein anymore, just sunlight.”

All of these will render your curious interrogator speechless so you can resume stuffing your face with kale in peace.

Pregame all restaurant meals with other meals

When all of your friends are planning a trip to Hattie B’s for fried chicken, or Chuy’s for cheese-stuffed burritos, don’t pass up on the opportunity simply because of your alternative eating habits. Instead, carbo-load on baked potatoes, edamame, and rice before heading to the restaurant. That way, you can still order the one vegan thing on the menu – a tall glass of ice water – without passing out from hunger afterwards.

When your friends drag you to Ben and Jerry’s for dessert just to wave their spoonfuls of frozen dairy in your face and laugh, smirk quietly to yourself knowing they won’t be chuckling when they’re hunched over on the toilet in a few hours.

Keep food on you at all times

When you’re vegan, keeping your blood sugar up is vital. Why? Because most of the nutrient-dense foods you eat burn instantly in the highly efficient furnace that is your metabolism. Therefore, having a few apples in your backpack is never a bad idea.

Also, tell your friends where you stash your Clif Bars and dried fruit so that when you’re passed out on the floor and too whiny to feed yourself, they can administer the snacks for you.

Drown everything you eat in sriracha

A lot of people ask me how I can possibly eat the same things every single day and not get bored. That’s like asking how it’s possible to stay in a happy relationship with only one person. Except that person is vegetables. All you need to do is spice things up every once in awhile to keep that flame alive. And by “spice things up,” I mean drown everything you eat in sriracha.

Tofu tastes like soggy paper by itself. But if you saturate it in sriracha, it’ll taste like soggy, sriracha flavored paper! A much better alternative.

Stock your room with plant-based snacks

Hoard vegan food in your dorm for your roommates to look at and be weirded out by. Always keep tubs of dried apricots and dehydrated fruit strips on hand. Make a point of collecting foil-wrapped sweet potatoes from Commons in your fridge.

You may forget about them and leave them in there over Winter Break, causing brown sticky fermented potato juice to leak all over your floor, but until then, you can sleep soundly knowing you have a plan if your blood sugar tanks.

Make Grins your go-to

Have a friend help you transport your mattress, desk, and personal belongings to that cozy little cafe at the end of Greek row because Grins is now your new home. Since you’ll be living there from now on, you might as well get to know the staff.

I highly recommend chatting up my good pal Julian. Next time you’re there during his shift (around lunchtime), tell him you read this article and he’ll give you one free smile and a sarcastic comment. No free cookies though, they’ve got a business to run.

And guess what, ladies. He’s single 😉