They are gonna use fireworks to blow roosting birds off campus
Finally, Vanderbilt has found a safe and cost-effective solution to our incessant bird problem
Prepare for pyrotechnics this February as Vandy staff attempt to “humanely disperse” roosting birds by driving them off of our newly anti-bird campus.
In an email sent to all Vanderbilt students yesterday, Director F. Clark Williams said: “Sounds of fireworks and flashing lights will fill the air a couple of times each day beginning Thursday, February 11th as Vanderbilt undertakes its latest effort to drive roosting birds from campus”.
For months, these vicious creatures have ravaged Vanderbilt’s campus with disease and careless fecal droppings.
It’s time to take back our territory. If you’re curious as to how Vanderbilt plans to tackle this problem, the solution is simple: highly advanced noise-making machines and pyrotechnics. Humane pyrotechnics.
Don’t worry. Rest easy knowing that only “propane percussion cannons—no projectiles—will be used.”
Photo design credit: Hannah Grace Kirkpatrick
I know if someone loaded my dorm room with lit fireworks and played that siren noise they use in rap and hip-hop music on repeat for a week, I’d feel pretty inclined to disperse as well.
Good luck to all the birds out there with finding a new home. We’ll see you guys next winter!