Which UVA bar would each presidential candidate go to?

Some people get just as up in arms about their bar choice as they do about which candidate they support.

If any of the candidates do head down to Charlottesville, here’s where you should hang depending on you wanna see.

The Biltmore – Hillary Clinton

There’s one weekly tradition that gets all Wahoos going early in the night and early in the weekend and that’s survivor hour at Bilt. The goal at survivor hour is to get as far ahead on your route to black out in one hour as you possibly can, and with $2 doubles thats not hard to do. We all go into the night strong expecting to roar our way to the end of the night when the lights come on at Trinity. However, we do not.

In the same way, Hillary seemed to manage to start strong, but from there it’s struggle bus city. For Hillary to finally make it to the end of the night its gonna take more than a couple Red Bull Vodkas to keep her moving. 

St. Maarten’s – Ted Cruz

I have never once in my life been to St. Maarten’s for anything other than their cheesy waffle fries (if you haven’t had them go now) and I don’t plan to ever change that. Everyone there makes you slightly uncomfortable and could very possibly be the Zodiac Killer. At Maarten’s you feel less like a saint and more as though you’re succumbing to the greasy environment and becoming one with it. 

Cruz is by far the most uncomfortable creature ever to walk this earth. Watching him interact with any other human being is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do so being hidden in a bar next to the wrong side of the tracks would suit the senator well.

The Virginian – John Kasich

The Virginian is a classic – no one dislikes the Virginian. You may not set out to go to the Virginian but if the other options aren’t that great you have no qualms ending up at the Virginian. 

Virginian is also a good place to go at 4pm with a friend to discuss how even though you do your best and deserve more, you just can’t get ahead. A conversation, I personally, would love to have with Kasich. 

Trinity – Donald Trump

Trinity is marked by two defining qualities: it is overwhelming and it is full of terrible things. One moment you have lights aggressively flashing in your face and when you turn around there are a plethora of couples aggressively making out. Trinity is funny and entertaining but we all wake up in the morning and think “oh God, what a mistake.”

It was a fun ride at first watching Trump make a complete fool out of himself in front of an entire nation in what we all thought was a farce. However, its gotten to the point where we are nearing the end of the night and realizing mistakes have been made and we are in danger of making even more the second we leave Trinity with some rando. Basically, sober up quick and don’t vote for Trump. 

Crozet – Bernie Sanders

Crozet, otherwise known as the Buddhist Biker Bar, is the perfect environment to be surrounded by friendly people but also have enough space around you to actually interact with people. You can drink a Zen, be zen, and forget for a moment about capitalism and systematic oppression. Bernie would most definitely be spotted with tousled hair and a beer vibing to Kendall St. Co. on a warm spring night.